Bring all the walls down

The Long Detour

2008-03-24T19:50:00.001-07:00

I've been absent from blogging, mainly due to a lack of anything interesting to say. I go to work, try and fail to keep up with household chores, bemoan the state of today's educational system, toss and turn on my sad sack of a mattress, and then get up to do it all again. In between, I search. I search for identity. The woman I would like to be versus the woman who is.

So, I'm entering a new chapter, but this book is not closed. You are more than welcome to come read my new blog.

http://canticles.wordpress.com

Shoe Shine Girl

2007-07-16T20:29:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've ever considered myself to be much of a prideful person. I've come to see that I'm wrong. I do have issues with pride, but they tend to manifest themselves in more subtle ways. In fact, I think I may have even been prideful about NOT being prideful.

Case in point: shoes. In admiring the latest foot fashions, I find myself pining for patent leather and swooning over stilettos. However, the spirit is willing, but the feet are weak. Between plantar fasciitis and an extra wide barge of a foot, I can do little more than stuff my foot into the shoe. Moving around in them is a different story.

Recently I purchased a cute pair of black patent leather kitten heels. If you must know, they were Isaac Mizrahi for Target. When I put them on, I justified the purchase because only my big toe hurt. In fact, the shoe was attempting to bind my feet much like those poor Chinese women from the Victorian era. Still, I have worn them several times, just knowing that I looked fashionable and cute because of them.

Right. It isn't very cute when you're grimacing because of extreme foot pain. By the time I left church yesterday, I was ready for a morphine drip! I've decided that when the Bible says "Pride comes before a fall," it's talking about some seriously torturous shoes.

Another case in point: skipping Sunday school. We overslept yesterday and I knew we weren't going to make it to Sunday school. Still, did I despair over missing the insightful discussion? No. I wondered what people would think of me as I limped through the door in my "oh-so-cute" black patent leather Isaac Mizrahi for Target kitten heels. In fact, it was the first thing I said to a friend of mine as I walked into the music suite. The minister of music heard me and just said "so???"

At that moment, the full weight of conviction came raining down upon my shoulders. I realized that being self-absorbed and prideful had caused me to miss the point. By being so concerned with the opinion of others, I had forgotten to consider that I had come to this place to worship. I began chastising myself with some rather negative internal dialogue. "Why am I always focused on the wrong things? How could anyone take me seriously?!?!"

But then our choir sang these words... "and when before the throne, I stand in Him complete." I got a little choked up, remembering that Rome wasn't built in a day, but brick by brick. How wonderful it will be when we ARE complete in Him, on the other side of this life, resting in His presence instead of worrying about impressing others. I'm sure none of us will care what people think of our shoes or our Sunday School attendance when we're singing "Holy, Holy, Holy" at the foot of the throne!

Life in General

2007-07-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

Right now we're fighting an ongoing battle with our apartment complex maintenance department. In the last month, they've managed to flood our apartment... twice. They've been in here three times fixing the same sink problem. They cut out a piece of carpet padding and never came back to replace it. The wall is water damaged in several spots and they never came to clean the carpet they soaked. We actually walked on wet floor for about three days.

In the grand scheme of things, I know this is really minor, but it's annoying to me. On top of that, I'm convinced that the cold I had two weeks ago was a result of mold and mildew from the first round of flooding.

Other than that, everything is great. The husband is working days and I think he actually likes his job now. My internship is going well, if not a bit monotonous. It has been nice to work at a more relaxed pace. I know VBS and choir camps are busy times, but it's nothing like the day to day insanity that is a public school.

We adopted another dog, this one from the pound. He is a Shih Tzu named Elvis. I was concerned about some of his behavior at first, but he has calmed down and shown himself to be a charming, well-behaved little dog. His only fault is that he won't leave our other dog, Smokey the Yorkie, alone. He's always wanting to play, much to Smokey's chagrin, especially when that play involves being nibbled on by Elvis!

I'm currently watching the Live Earth concert while trying to decide which part of this house to tackle next. I'm thinking the bedroom needs some sprucing up! Have a great Saturday, everyone!

For Lack of Words

2007-06-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

I've met so many people lately whose everyday vocabulary far exceeds my own. I guess I'm just not in the habit of using more impressive words. I don't think it's because I lack the smarts to do so. But wait, I don't hang out with the intelligentsia every day, do I?

I remember something from back in 6th grade. I was sitting in social studies class. We were talking about something related to people in poverty, I believe. I said something to the effect "Why can't we just split up what the rich people make and give it to the poor people"? So, my teacher called me a Communist. I had not a clue what that meant, but in 1989, I knew it was a bad word.

I also used to write a lot. I'm sure it was all pretty bad (just ask anyone about the "novel" I wrote in 8th grade), but it was my attempt to be creative. One day, my mom was cleaning up around the house and she found one of my writing books. I walked in while she was reading it and laughing at it. Talk about stinging criticism! Without saying a word, I knew what she thought.

In high school, I mostly just kept my mouth shut. Most of the time I would think, "I don't know enough about this topic to state an opinion." What that really meant was "I don't know if I'm completely right, so I'll just keep my mouth shut and stay safe." There were some guys in my classes who dominated the conversation. They were great friends, but I never felt confident about joining in.

I find myself playing that role a lot even today, and that bothers me. Also, I'm frustrated because I can't ever think of what I really want to say when I'm standing right in front of someone. Does this ever happen to you? I'm standing before someone, about to say something. Then I start questioning it, thinking of all the problems with the observation I'm about to make. So, I come up with something better. Oh, wait! That sounds even worse. Ad nauseum...

At this point, I usually say something totally generic and walk away.

You know what's comforting though? When I pray, God knows what I'm really trying to say. So, even if I'm stumbling over my thoughts, tripping over my words and making mincemeat of the English language, the Lord makes beautiful poetry out of it. Thanks be to God!

Summer Getaway

2007-06-08T22:22:00.000-07:00

It's a RevGalBlogPals Friday Five!!!

Suppose you were told to pack some essentials for a trip to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Describe your location, in general or specific terms and....

1) What book(s) will you bring?
2) What music accompanies you?
3) What essentials of everyday living must you take (as in the health and beauty aids aisle variety)?
4) What technological gadgets if any, will you take with you or do you leave it all behind?
5) What culinary delights will you partake in while there?As a bonus question, what makes for a perfect day on vacation for you?

Location? I would really love to spend a nice long break in Charleston, SC... And I'd want to go antiquing. My perfect day would include several hours at the beach, shopping for antiques and shoes or handbags.

1)Books: I really need to finish reading The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama, and I've also been wanting to read The Road by Cormac McCarthy and any of the Anne Lamott books since I haven't read anything by her yet.
2)Music: For a vacation, I'd probably have U2, Amos Lee, Vienna Teng, Diana Krall, Jane Monheit, Jack Johnson, Chris Rice, Nichole Nordeman and Kelly Clarkson on rotation
3)Health and Beauty: sephora black eyeliner, Bare Escentuals makeup, Sebastien Potion #5, Noodle Head from Sally Beauty (for the curls), water babies sunscreen, and OPI nail color in "I'm not really a waitress"
4)Technology: I love my gadgets, so I'll have the laptop, digital jukebox, cell phone and my portable speakers. Since hubby is probably going also, I'll probably have access to the Nintendo DS and XM Radio. Fine by me.
5)Culinary Delights: If I'm going to Charleston, then there will be lots of seafood. I think I would need to have cheesy grits and shrimp... Whether I'm home or on vacation, I'm addicted to the Dreyer's Fruit Bars (especially the lime flavored ones)... And if I'm vacationing, margaritas, appletinis and various other fruity cocktails are a must. Actually, have any of you ever had a Presbyterian? It isn't fruity, but it's right tasty...

From Flashbacks to Fast Forward

2007-06-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

I've been at work in my internship for about two weeks now. It has been fast and furious. When 4 p.m. rolls around, I can scarcely believe that I've been at it for a full day. It has, thus far, been the breath of fresh air I prayed for.

Starting fresh is a gift. It's almost as if I never walked away from vocational ministry. It has been affirming, stirring up creative juices I thought were completely dried up. I truly have been given a gift that I will not take for granted. It has almost been too easy to walk into all of this!

Sometimes though, when I'm doing a task that reminds me of something I've done in the past, it takes my breath away. I was looking through the music library, noticing all the mismatched labels on the boxes. I remembered my first day on the job at my old church, being yelled at for not sticking the label on correctly. Something so trivial, yet it is still burned in my memory! Working on VBS this week, I remembered being ordered to do an ungodly amount of work with almost zero help. I don't remember being complimented on all that work, but I certainly remember being critiqued. I'm sure many nice things were said, but it's always the bad that sticks out in the mind. While working on some of the logistics for our upcoming musical, I remembered a music camp I led and how pleased I was about the kids learning the musical in a week. The majority of my kids weren't involved in choir at all, so I felt that the performance was a major achievement! Interrupting my private celebration were the words of criticism, both professionally and personally insulting. How I wish I would have grown a backbone before I allowed all that to happen!

The thing is, I'm still talking about all this four years later. Those negative voices get quieter, but they're still there. And really, none of this sounds very spiritual. I'm sure you all are sick of hearing about it!

Okay, now for some forward thinking. Enough of the past. What does that corny email say? Today is a gift, that's why it's called "the present." Whatever. Anyway...

I did, for a while, consider doing a doctoral program of some kind where my dissertation focused on music ministry and the inclusion of people with special needs. I shelved that idea for a while, but I heard about a handbell group recently that reignited my interest in it. Now I'm investigating the possibility of doing some kind of music therapy equivalency program. The little detour I took this year has definitely become a main thoroughfare for my vocational goals. I would LOVE to discover a way to merge two passions into one calling.

In other news, I'm trying to educate myself on social justice issues. I'm still kind of de-fundyizing myself. I suppose I'm off to a good start though, signing up to help when we bring Jim Wallis to town! Does anyone want to come hear him speak?

Beginning Anew

2007-05-16T04:01:00.000-07:00

Easter is a time of new beginnings. There is no doubt about that. Just look across creation and you can see the birthing process awakened in the womb of mother nature. My favorite illustration of this is the dogwood tree. Like all deciduous trees, she is dressed to the nines in her bright fall finery. Her leaves become brittle, fall off and decay. Throughout the winter she lays bare, her branches stark and cold. But in the spring, you begin to see the budding promise of new life. Her flowers blossom and she shines like a bride adorned for her wedding.

In this Easter season, I have experienced firsthand that God indeed makes all things new. We become stronger in the broken places. And when we rest in Him, we can bloom where we are planted. When you finally find yourself belonging somewhere and you begin to feel comfortable in your own skin, the roots run deep and new life can flourish.

So, this summer I will be an intern again. Good. I'm glad for a chance to relearn what I've forgotten and a chance to unlearn that which has harmed me. I'm looking forward to redefining what it means for me: being minister and musician, leader and follower. I'm eagerly anticipating the journey, which will undoubtedly bring promise, peace and pain.

Though My Steps May Falter

2007-01-28T20:48:00.000-08:00

My internal dialogue has been pretty loud and argumentative as of late. I like teaching special ed, but it isn't my undying passion in life. Part of me thinks I should stick with it because "it will get better." And yes, I know that experienced teachers have less problems than a new teacher. I'm not talking about the common trials of a first year teacher though. It's more than that. It's the realization that I've been running away from the calling that was placed on me.

Oh sure, once upon a time I pursued it with gusto. I was the first one to show up and the last to leave. But one too many harsh words had me crawling back into my shell, never to poke my head out into the wild again. Who wants to volunteer for the next tongue lashing? Certainly not I.

I'm praying about some next steps. I feel very convicted by the sermon at church today. I feel convicted enough that I sat there and sobbed all through church and was certain that I might throw up or pass out. Then I hid in a bathroom stall for twenty minutes trying to cry it out. I did have a nice long chat with a couple of people I respect and trust. I'm setting up an appointment to talk with someone else soon. I'm not sure what I want to say or what I should say, except maybe "Here am I, send me."

Please pray.

Snow Day Post

2007-01-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

So, Jan must be looking for something to do. She asked me to post. Never fear! I already had it on my list of things to do today (since my original list has been scrapped due to inclement weather).

I went to my hometown for the holidays (or more specifically, New Years). It was good to see the grandparents I haven't seen in two years, but it was a somewhat bitter reminder that they are getting older. My grandmother who has MS had been spared from major pain for many years, but she isn't getting around quite so well these days. My other grandmother seemed more frail also. My own mother spent the days leading up to Christmas in the hospital, fighting a staph infection. She's back to her old routines now, but it reminds you that things are always changing. We never stay the same. We never know what's coming around the next corner.

I saw old friends too. I saw babies I had never met before and pregnant bellies of friends I've missed and wondered about. It was like old times, only it wasn't. With the new little ones around, it made me even more homesick. I want to see my friends' kids grow up. Heck, I want my own kids, out there on the horizon, to grow up with them.

Some things made me feel worse though. I realized that I might not be able to jump back in to my old church if I ever went back. We have all changed. They went one way and I went the other. It's still a wonderful place that I love. It's still full of wonderful people that I think highly of. I'm just not sure I would still fit into that picture.

It doesn't matter now though, because I'm back in Dallas. For once, I was actually happy to be back. All I could think about was getting back to my church and my classroom. I was excited about my friend's wedding and trying to get the girls together for a Friday night gripe session at Chili's.

Beyond the surface, I was looking forward to the self-improvement plan for 2007. On Monday I joined Curves, and I love it so far. I started working Sparkpeople again for the nutrition side of it and I've been doing pretty well so far. I've decided not to weigh again until the first few weeks of the Curves challenge are finished. I don't want to focus on those numbers, because I know I will only get discouraged.

I also decided that I would not worry too much about school. It isn't worth the stress. I do have quite a long list of things leftover from Christmas that I can't seem to get finished, but I know I will get it a little bit at a time. I'm just trying to take better care of myself and my environment in general. If I don't take care of me, then I won't have anything to give to others.

And on that note, I think it's time I gave myself a pedicure. I heart snow days.

Miles to go...

2006-12-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

--Robert Frost "Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening"

This week has been... a week. My emotions have been up and down to the point where I question my own sanity. On the one hand, teaching is going exceedingly well. My kids are fantastic, albeit a bit maddening at times. The personalities I deal with on a day to day basis are so endearing and challenging. I often feel a maternal kind of love and protectiveness toward them.

My first semester in special ed has gone surprisingly well. It has been more difficult than I would have ever imagined, but I can't complain because I'm satisfied and happy in my job. I suppose the only frustration I have is simply the inadequate amount of time I'm able to put into the various aspects of my job.

Yet I still can't rest. Even now, I'm getting sick and should be sleeping, but my thoughts occupy my attention so much. A huge part of me has really longed to be back in music ministry. Maybe it's all the Christmas preparations we've had at church, but I have been in mourning... just a wee bit. I sobbed uncontrollably after the children's choir program on Sunday night. Thankfully, the only person who really saw was my husband. Part of me really wants to talk to our minister of music and our associate about whether I might shadow them over the summer, just to see if there's any hope for me. A huge part of me is so intimidated that I'm not sure I even have any business bringing it up.

I try to talk positively to myself by saying "it's okay, some people are meant to be volunteers." That's true, of course, and don't we all value those people who give their time with no expectation of a return. At least for me, however, I find myself wondering if I was listening to the wrong voice for the last half of my life when I believed I was called to full time music ministry.

So, I ride this roller coaster every day. I'm overjoyed that God has seen it fit to use me in a new career, but feeling a huge sense of loss over not finding a place to serve as music ministry. Not just that, but I feel foolish for ever believing I could do it. I feel embarrassed to even bring it up sometimes, yet I want someone to reassure me and tell me that I should try it again. And then I question whether I even have the intestinal fortitude to deal with all the stuff that comes with being a minister. Notice how all this neglects what God might do through a weird little girl like me. I haven't done a whole lot of personal communication with God lately, outside of corporate worship. I think I'm afraid of what He'll say.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,

The Queen of my Castle

2006-12-02T11:16:00.001-08:00

So, I successfully snagged a rolling chair for my classroom. This thrills me to no end. I have been, until this point, dragging a student chair from my computer station, to my desk, to reading group and back again. I snagged said chair from the now vacant special ed secretary desk. I previously requested one several times, but the lady in charge hasn't gotten around to it. No matter, I am now a happy camper. The kids, of course, all tried to land their fandangos in it as soon as they saw it. I informed them that I am the queen, this room is my castle and that chair is my throne. They laughed, but no one else tried to sit in it!

Speaking of students, I have had some serious cute overload going on. One of my students has been mentioning, every day this week, that his birthday was coming up. He also mentioned at other times that he would really like to go to the school dance, which was last night. He's a bit like a 5 year old trapped in a teenager's body, but he's very sweet, polite and thoughtful. So, one of the other teachers and myself bought him a dance ticket for his birthday. When we told him he was going, he looked down at the floor and started to cry. We were both concerned and asked him why. He said "I am so happy." AWWWWWWW!!!!

Also in regards to the dance. I have a female student, I'll call her Becky, who is also very childlike. Everyone loves her because she has such a bubbly and sweet personality. I also have a male student, whom I'll call Kevin, with autism who is very sweet, but shy. They're in the same reading class. The reading teacher told me that Becky had written Kevin a note saying "will you dance with me at the dance"? Apparently Kevin went up to her at that point, bowed and offered his hand to her and said "may I have this dance"? HOW CUTE IS THAT?!?!?!? I almost decided that I had to get dressed up and go help chaperone just so I could be a fly on the wall. I'm really anxious to hear the cute stories from the dance on Monday.

On Friday, my reading class read "The Giving Tree." The kids were all appalled that the boy was so selfish when the tree was so giving. We discussed how the boy got everything he wanted but was still sad, while the tree gave everything away but was just happy that she could do something nice for her friend. We talked about being selfish versus being selfless and I gave them the assignment of doing two selfless things at home over the weekend. I hope they remember to do it and that they have something to report. Next week we're going to write about gifts and "wrap them up" with wrapping paper and scrapbooking scissors. I'm SUPER excited about this project, so I hope they get into it too.

I have two major observations coming up in the next two weeks, and my principal walked in unannounced this week. Please pray that my planning will be complete and that my lessons will be effective and organized. Thanks to all of you who have supported me this semester. It has been the most rewarding job I've ever had. I have not regretted this decision for one second.

Delurkey Turkey

2006-11-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

So, in honor of Thanksgiving Delurking Week, I am posting. Honestly, I think of posting several times a week, but I can't seem to piece together intelligent thought. As a result, I end up doing a brainless meme on MySpace and calling it a day.

This song from Nichole Nordeman has been running through my head a lot lately...

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

It's interesting, you see. The last few years have been fraught with a lot of criticism, either from within or without. All of a sudden, I'm getting a lot of positive attention and I don't quite know how to handle it. I notice that I just kind of hang my head because I don't know how to respond to a compliment. I won't lie, it feels good to hear that people like you and appreciate your work, but I feel like a fraud.

You see, I can't call every parent that I need to call every day. I don't grade my papers fast enough and I don't always give them back if the kids don't ask about them. My desk is messy and I've been carrying around papers for about a month that I need to distribute. I'm late to my inclusion classes every day because I have to try to catch three kids in the hall to remind them to do such and such. I don't always have modified materials ready for my kids because I just don't have time to make them. Some mornings I procrastinate leaving the house and squander my time.

Yet somehow, God uses this imperfect vessel to make a difference. I see it. I see it when my students finally read the word "grabbed" correctly. I see it when one of my students finally understands what a topic sentence is. I definitely see it when a student who is constantly tormented and called "stupid" is the only one who has the correct answer in science.

I'm not sure I even miss teaching music all that much. There are things about it I miss, to be sure. And the control freak inside me really wants to get back on that director's podium again. I know it's too soon to say whether this detour is permanent or not, but I now know that I'm not a one trick pony. God DID make me with many unique and wonderful gifts. I know for a long time, my self talk sounded something like "the only thing I'm any good at is music. It's the only thing I have." Now I know how untrue that feeling is.

I guess the only thing I'm having a problem with is simply the pace of my schedule. I literally go from 6 a.m. to midnight on most days. I know I can't sustain that for very long without having a nervous breakdown or getting sick. Then again, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle, right? I would appreciate your prayers.

In other news, I voted half democrat in the last election. This is a HUGE step for me. I'm really disappointed to be stuck with Rick Perry again. I didn't really like ANY of the gubernatorial candidates (they're all GOOBERS!), but Chris Bell was as close as it got for me. I liked what he had to say about education. I wouldn't have liked more taxes though.

I have also started considering staying in Dallas for the first time. If you know me, you know that I've always been dead set against living here forever. I've wanted to head back to Tennessee as soon as possible! I guess finding a good church and career contentment has caused me to reconsider. No decisions yet, just considering all my options.

So, what's new?

2006-10-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

I visited some friends and former students at my old school today. One of them reads this blog and mentioned that she hadn't seen anything from me. So, Jan, this post is for you!

It was good to see old friends and see that they're doing well. It was great to see the kids and it's always nice to know that you're missed. They wanted to know what I've been up to and whether I like my new job.

Yes, I like my new job. No... I LOVE my new job. I've been surprised by how it gets better and better. The days are long and difficult, but I feel like I'm making a difference to these kids. I think that might be the part that I didn't feel or see when I was at my old school. I think part of it, too, is my new church.

But I've covered those topics a million times in this space. I don't want to write yet another post about the transition. I think I can mark it as a battle that I won. Instead, I'll tell you some specific things that have happened that make me love my job.

*I gave a quiz on Friday, but I have two different levels of readers, so I had to give two quizzes. I gave the kids a writing prompt to work on while I quizzed the other group. Not only did the kids do pretty well on their quiz, but some of the responses I received were very touching. One kid wrote (and I'm paraphrasing and correcting grammar, spelling, etc.), "Mrs. W is a great teacher. She is my favorite teacher because she will not give up." Another child, with whom I've had great difficulty because of his behavior, wrote "Mrs. W is the best teacher in this school." (Well, on paper it looked like "Mrs. W is da bas teechr in dis skul," but for a child who is reading on a kindergarten level, I'll take it.)

*A child I work with in one of the science classes started this year off on the wrong foot. He was a behavior problem, didn't do his work and was fairly unpleasant to talk to. Recently though, he has started turning himself around. He made a 100 on his last science test (with modified materials) and asks many intelligent questions. One day, they were doing a classwide review for their benchmark exam using a computer program. He moved over to sit by me so that I could help him understand it better. I really really hope he passes his benchmark because I know it would be a huge boost for him.

*Two of the kids I teach just asked me to go fishing with them. I told them I would, but then I started laughing about it later because I can just imagine that we end up on an overpass, fishing illegally, with a stick and some twine.

*At a professional development meeting recently, we were asked to show some modifications we had done for our inclusion classes. I showed mine first, but then the people around me didn't want to show theirs! They made comments like "we should get you to teach this" and "you mean you're a first year teacher?" Then one of my colleagues emailed my administration to tell them about what happened. I've been getting a lot of positive feedback as a result!

I'm reading a book called Ms. Moffett's First Year, which tells the story of a young professional in New York City who joined New York City Teaching Fellows (which is VERY similar and related to the program I'm in right now) and went to teach in a tough Brooklyn elementary school. So far, I'm finding that I can really identify with what she went through. I'll do a complete book review when I finish it.

Blogger Playlist September 2006

2006-09-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

Blogger Playlist September 2006: "1. Over The Rainbow - Jane Monheit
2. Balm in Gilead - Nnenna Freelon
3. Holy God We Praise Thy Name--arr. John Ferguson - St Olaf Choir
4. When I Survey The Wondrous Cross--arr. Gilbert Martin - St Olaf Choir
5. The Cruel War - Dolly Parton feat. Alison Krauss, Mindy Smith, and Dan Tyminski
6. Ordinary People - John Legend
7. You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go - Madeleine Peyroux
8. Wake Up, Little Sparrow - Lizz Wright
9. Just A Closer Walk With Thee - Irvin Mayfield, Jr.
10. Once I Walked In The Sun - Jane Monheit
11. Shout Out Loud (Radio Single) - Amos Lee
12. Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick
13. Wild Horses - Charlotte Martin
14. Rich Young Ruler - Derek Webb
15. A Consistent Ethic Of Human Life - Derek Webb
16. Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson
17. For A Dancer - Jackson Browne
18. Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
19. How to Save A Life - The Fray
20. Pontchartrain - Vienna Teng
21. Transcontinental, 1-30 AM - Vienna Teng
22. Look at Me - Keri Noble
23. Arms of a Woman - Amos Lee
24. Once I Walked In The Sun - Jane Monheit
25. Carolina In My Mind - James Taylor
26. God Is In The Roses - Rosanne Cash

"

What's new?

2006-09-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

"You make all things new
Then the world was broken, fallen and battered and scarred
You took the hopeless, the life, wasted, ruined and marred
And made it new" - Steven Curtis Chapman

I really love my new job. It's challenging and stressful, but so rewarding! One of my kids came and threw his arm around my shoulders and said "you're the best teacher." Incredible! I've also received a lot of positive feedback from my department head, administration and a few district people also.

I got a new car this week, and not a moment too soon! I was very close to buying a 2003 Honda Civic, but I just didn't feel comfortable with the deal. Instead I bought a 2002 Lincoln LS for about $4K below the Kelly Blue Book value. It's NICE, people! All leather interior, power everything, GREAT A/C and a pretty decent stereo. It's way more luxury than I've ever had in a car. So, my mother in law named her Matilda.

I've made some new friends, started drinking margaritas again and I've gone shopping for pants. I've worked harder and played harder than I can remember doing since graduating from college. I feel like a new person in a lot of ways. My new identity seems to be closer to what my Creator intended for me.

I'm teaching children's choir at church, playing in the handbell choir, singing in the sanctuary choir and a small ensemble. I'm worshipping with people who believe in religious liberty and hold moderate political and social views. In short, I am authentically me... More so now than I was before. I am tired, but content. Glory to our God who DOES make all things new!

Is it too late for me to renounce my seminary degree?

2006-09-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

The SBC has done a great job of creating a denomination in which you must think like everyone else in order to survive. Some pastors and bloggers are speaking out though, with mixed results.

The latest incident happened at SWBTS. All I can say is "Rock on, Rev. McKissic."

http://www.wfaa.com/sharedcontent/dws/wfaa/latestnews/stories/wfaa060831_mo_prayingintongues.5582fdae.html

The seminary is trying to censor his remarks, but is getting a lot of flack for it. I think it's fabulous.

Fresh start...

2006-08-15T03:52:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my absence, and I'm afraid it will only get worse from this point on! The first day of school was yesterday, and so far things are going well. I haven't had any students yet though. So, as one of the other teachers said "that may change!" Most of my time thus far has been spent on SPED paperwork. After a while, my eyes start to cross, but it isn't terribly hard to grasp once you get going on it.

I have a lot of extra professional development hours to get in during the evenings this year, so I won't be around much. Plus, I'm directing children's choir at church and singing in the choir and ensemble. So, I'm still checking on you all, but I may not comment. I'll be back around as soon as I can!

There are no outcasts...

2006-06-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

So, I finally got a job today! It isn't a church job, but it's a ministry nonetheless. I couldn't be more excited! Yes, I'm nervous, but the excitement is much stronger.

I will be teaching special ed reading at a local junior high school this fall. I interviewed with the principal this afternoon. As soon as I started talking to her, I knew I wanted to work for her. A couple of hours later, she was calling me to offer the position. I accepted immediately, of course!

Now, on to other news. My grandfather had a bad accident on Friday when he pulled out in front of someone. He was in ICU on Friday with a broken ankle, shoulder and a couple of ribs. He had surgery and was moved to his own room. But today he was moved back to ICU when his oxygen dropped. He was fighting the nurses and he can be quite ornery and mean when provoked. So, if you could please pray for his recovery AND patience from everyone involved, I would appreciate it.

Thanks so much for all your support. My absence from this space has been the result of extreme busy-ness and not having much to report. I'm glad I had some good news this time, in spite of the bad.

Life's Lemons

2006-06-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty upset today. I didn't get the job I interviewed for in Orlando. Apparently I don't have enough qualifications. How do you get qualified for a job you've never done? I have all the educational credentials and I even have plenty of relevant experience, I just don't have Specific Experience. There are very few of these kinds of jobs out there to begin with! How do I get someone to just give me a chance?

So, I guess it's a good thing I'm sticking this alternative certification program out. And to be honest, I was thinking today that this might be the best thing for me. Apparently, principals have already been asking if I can come teach music. Unfortunately I'm not being certified in music, but still one is apparently interested in me for special ed and maybe music next year.

I'm really sad about the job, but I know that these things only happen in God's time. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. Maybe we really aren't ready for a big move across the country. We still have some financial things to work on, we have family here, we have awesome friends here and an incredible church. Now I don't have to lose those things. I suppose I can choose to wallow in sorrow or accept this as a stepping stone to something bigger and better.

In my alternative certification program, I'm already learning some things about myself that I didn't know. Apparently I'm good at teaching math. Who knew? And apparently I'm good at discerning vague teacher directions and getting the unmotivated on task. Who knew?

I've been designated the "Math Messiah" by my fellow group members. I'm obviously uncomfortable with that imagery, but it's really funny to me. I mean, I made a D in geometry but I'm apparently a whiz at it now that I'm teaching summer school. Weird. Now if I can just get the district's HR department to call me so I can get the ball rolling and find a stinking job for this fall!

Back Home

2006-06-05T15:58:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my job interview weekend extravaganza. I felt like it went really well, but I'm just not sure. It seemed like we had similar philosophies about fine arts and worship. It felt like a good interview. It's hard to say...

Saturday was relaxing. One of the ladies from the church showed me around town. I spent the afternoon driving around. I visited an apartment complex that was owned by the same management company that owns my current apartment. The units are newly renovated with all new kitchens. And the management company has a program for relocating that allows you to move your lease with no penalties or extra fees.

Yesterday I taught a short lesson to some kindergarteners. It went okay, but I just don't know what they're looking for. So, today I feel uneasy. I was told today that it would be a couple of weeks before a decision is made. Yet, when a guy auditioned for them yesterday (a different position) they seemed ready to hire him on the spot. Maybe I didn't perceive the situation correctly... Maybe it's my own insecurity talking... I hate the waiting game... I'm feeling impatient!

I totally want the job. I would accept it immediately if it were offered. But I'll just have to wait. And in the meantime I'll go on with teaching summer school as if nothing will change. Because maybe it won't.

Power Shoes

2006-05-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

I have agonized over what to wear to this interview, which is really silly and shallow, I know. But I think I've finally come up with something that expresses "me." It's comfortable, stylish, and I think professional looking without being a stuffy "suit." I do have a great suit, but I think it's too heavy for summer, whether here in Texas or Florida. Would excessive sweating make me look too nervous or desperate? Hah! We will never know because I'll be cool as a cucumber...

So, I ended up with this sweater in black. It actually is a bit longer on me and I'm not sure if it's because it's a different style or because I'm short. But it's VERY similar to the one in the link. The shirt is ADORABLE and is really flattering on me, so I had to get it (in black, of course). The picture really doesn't do it justice. You can't see the bling! (Understated, of course) Then I got these slacks, also in black. Ladies, if you are full figured like me, you MUST find a Lane Bryant and get some of these pants. They're marked down to $20 and are seriously the best pants I've ever had.

Of course, what outfit is complete without a pair of power shoes. I suppose I'm jumping in on the tail end of the pointy-toed shoe craze, but I felt like they really worked with the outfit.

Going Somewhere...

2006-05-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

So, the job search begins in earnest now. I had my official last day of school on Wednesday. I cleaned out my classroom and took my belongings home on Thursday. Of course, then I realized that I have nowhere to put any of it.

Wednesday afternoon, I had a job interview. It went fairly well and hopefully I'll hear from them again soon. But the biggest surprise was the voice mail message I received as I was in my car driving away from that interview.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a phone interview with a church in central Florida. That's well over 1,000 miles from any family, but it sounded like a dream job. Up until applying for this job, I had been limiting my search to the area around my hometown and the area I live in now. In other words, close to family.

To make a long story short, I'm flying out for a face to face interview with them next weekend! I'm very excited, but nervous. For instance, I don't know what to wear. Should I wear a suit? I have one, but it's a little too heavy for a Florida summer. I went shopping today hoping to find something suitable, but nothing seemed to fit right. So, then I went into my girly, self-loathing, "I look gross" mode of operation. I finally decided that I already own suitable clothing, but some pointy toed kitten heels may be in order. And I'll need to go get some pants hemmed this week.

Also there's the whole deal of renting a car. They reserved my flight and hotel for me, but I have to reserve the car (they will reimburse me). The problem that I realized this afternoon is that I ditched all my credit cards a couple of years ago. Do they even rent to people with debit/check cards? What if I have bad credit? Is this going to be a major fiasco?

Then I think, on a superficial, that I might be judged based on how frizzy my hair is that day, how overweight I am, how my purse is organized when I reach into it for a mint... Then I think, "what am I doing interviewing for a job like this"? But mostly I just get excited that someone actually wants to talk to me. It means that I'm not a total loss!

My mom already managed to knock the wind out of my sails. Her first words to me today were not "congratulations." They were "do you really want to move to a place where you have no family and no friends"? She forgets it was just five years ago that I did that very thing. I was homesick. But now I have friends AND family. If I am offered the job... If I accept the job, I won't be moving alone... It will be hard to leave my best friend here and my in-laws, crazy as they are... I don't know... Maybe I shouldn't even think about it until I have an offer...

Pray for us, please!

Teachers Don't Matter...

2006-05-18T06:17:00.000-07:00

At my current school, I feel completely overlooked many times. The music program is small and struggling. The students are all stretched too thin over multiple sports and hours of homework. The fine arts are mostly an afterthought. It just isn't a priority. So, it's easy to feel like I just don't matter.

I got a note from a student this morning that reminded me that I do matter. Can I tell you? It's never too late to contact a teacher that meant something to you and let them know about it. Most of us really do care. And while we certainly aren't perfect people who have it all figured out, we do want nothing more than to be an encouragement to you to reach your full potential.

As for me? I think I'll be writing some notes today.

Thine oil anoints my head...

2006-05-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

This week marks my last full week teaching at my current school. I have a lot of mixed feelings, especially considering recent successes. Aren't I fickle! When things are good, I want to graze in this pasture. When things are rocky, I want to wander away. It's no concern of mine though. God is leading me away for a reason, and I can only believe that it is because I am being pruned. He is cutting away to make room for stronger growth. My new pastor preached about that yesterday, and I felt tears spring up in my eyes as I considered that this really is true for me.

This week I have another phone interview. It's for the job I sometimes daydream about having. It would require a major move across the country, but let's not put the cart before the horse. God has a plan for me that He will reveal, just one piece at a time. What's the name of that book? Just enough light for the step I'm on?

My husband's car is down yet again. We just got it fixed a month ago. Too bad we can't scrap it. My own car is just dirty and dinged. We still live like college students in some ways. Speaking of college, my husband is registering for at least one class this week. Looks like he's finally going back to school!

I killed a plant this week. My mom sent it to me in a box, so I shouldn't be surprised. But it has definitely breathed its last. I'm still holding out hope for the roots though. Eternal optimism or questionable sanity?

I'm interested in hearing some of your views on the president's speech tonight. I agree with him on most of the points he made and I like the fact that he described a comprehensive approach. I disagree with him on the finer points though. I definitely like the fact that he realizes that we can't round up 12 million people and kick them out of the country. And it isn't enough to say we're going to beef up security at the border either. It also isn't fair to give a shortcut to citizenship to people who broke the law to get here illegally, but we still should treat them with compassion and grace.

Hear our choir anthem from last Sunday! It's the Mack Wilberg "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need." :D

Birth Control Idiocy

2006-05-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

First, go read this. Al Mohler has an opinion on everything, and now he has an opinion about birth control pills.

I believe he may be on to something in a way. In some ways, the pill has perhaps taken some of the seriousness out of the decision to have sex. And I personally don't take the pill because of health concerns and personal convictions.

However, he shows his true ignorance about reproductive health when he elevates the pill to possibly causing the downfall of civilization. We give the pill too much credit. The fact is, women have been accurately pinpointing their fertile dates for many generations with physical signs the body produces. And what about condoms? Why criticize something that has many positive medicinal uses for women who have conditions like polycystic ovary syndrome, endometriosis, etc. I suppose it's because, like the fall, women have brought down men and caused them to sin. Whaddya know, us girls are at it again...

While I do agree that sex is treated much too lightly in our culture today, I don't see how the pill is responsible for all of it. Sexual indiscretion is just a symptom of the real issue at hand, a heart that is looking for a connection in all the wrong places. A heart that needs to be joined with Christ rather than just another warm body that is equally sick and needy.

Where Your Treasure Is...

2006-05-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

My concert was last night. My absence from this blog is partly due to this, plus preparations for my piano/voice recital tomorrow. I was sick at my stomach yesterday due to nervousness. Last night was so important to me, both because I fear for the arts programs here, and because I remembered the debacle from Christmas. My students deserve so much more than bad audience behavior. They deserve more than us settling for half of their best.

Last night exceeded my expectations though! All my choirs sang beautifully, behaved well on stage and looked wonderful. I couldn't have asked for it to be any smoother. I'm pleased that I will leave this place on a high note.

However, a few things still get under my skin...

This school is a ministry of the church. Why then, are no church staff members present when such a large percentage of the student body is involved?

If the principal gets up and gives blatant instructions about how an audience should behave, why are there still people who get up in the middle of songs, scream at the singers and ignore instructions about the balcony being closed?

Why is it that I can't seem to get a straight answer from anyone about locking and unlocking buildings (I don't have a key) and other scheduling issues?

I could go on and on, but it's plain to me that there is a very low priority placed on worship in this place. Some people work their fingers to the bone while others stand idly by. Time and money are not invested in music, which shows how low they are on the priority list. I feel like sending out a letter to the staff reminding them that "where your treasure is, your heart will be also."

Slink out quietly, or go out with a bang? What would you do?

Christians and Muslims

2006-04-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

I attended an interesting discussion on Tuesday night at what will soon be our church home. It was intended to be a dialog between the pastor and a Muslim professor. But because the professor fell ill at the last minute (literally), we were treated to a discussion with a former Muslim instead. She is an Iranian woman who converted to Christianity after immigrating to the U.S.

I now feel that I understand more about the middle eastern perspective on the west, though I will never fully grasp how different we really are. For instance, I learned that Muslims in the middle east may see the west as immoral. They also equate the west with Christianity, thus Christians are immoral and it is displeasing to Allah. Obviously, this is a gross overgeneralization on their part, but if I look in the mirror I can see myself doing the same thing. When I see Muslims, I am automatically afraid because of the few Muslims who have taken an extremist approach to their faith.

The question was asked whether the very nature of democracy is contrary to Islam. Perhaps it is, but the point was raised that no democracy will survive that is not owned and instituted by the people. I'm not sure what I think of all this, but it did remind me of the missionaries of the past who simply translated English hymns into the tribal languages and steered the people away from their own culture. Sometimes we westerners are pretty arrogant, aren't we? We think our way is always the best.

Another question was raised about whether Allah is the same God that Christians worship. I've always said, no, that it isn't. But the woman who spoke Monday night says she feels like she still worships the same God, but that Jesus has given her the full picture of God. She believes Muslims worship the same God we do, but they don't know Him in His full character.

She also said that while she doesn't understand all the reasons that extremists abuse Islam and the Koran, she speculated that many of them are disturbed from seeing repeated brutality in their lives. For instance, a 13 year old boy who saw his entire city murdered, his own parents beaten brutally to death and his mother raped then turns into a suicide bomber.

There's really no point to this post, I'm just revisiting some thoughts from earlier in the week. Obviously I believe that there is one way and that way is Christ, but it helps sometimes to understand where those who believe differently might be coming from. Comments and various perspectives are welcome.

Big Changes

2006-04-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of a major lifestyle overhaul. I've been overweight my entire life, despite numerous "diets." Well, now that I am approaching my 30s, reality has set in that my good health won't hold out if I keep on doing the same old thing. I do, in fact, already have some underlying health issues that have made it very difficult to lose weight. But now that I have a team of doctors listening to me and doing their best to help me, I have no more excuses.

So, I've cut out most sugar, including refined flour. I am eating 1100-1300 calories a day, doctor's orders. And I'm taking a new medication and exercising. I've dropped 11 pounds so far and I believe I will stick with it this time.

Over the last few days I've realized that this is more than a health issue, but a spiritual one. I am in the process of owning up to the fact that while some of this is not my fault, a good chunk of it really could have been prevented if I had been obedient. Self control and discipline are major struggles for me. But being in submission to God's plan for my health in the last few days has been joyful, rewarding and freeing. The best example of this was at a family event on Easter. I ate with much restraint and even had a small bit of pie. I really sensed the power of God keeping me on track. I felt like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis.

I had listened to the enemy's voice for so long that I couldn't hear God telling me "you can do this, just trust me." I am in the habit of talking down to myself. I say "you're just worthless because you're overweight and out of control." Or "they're all laughing at you." It's freeing now, because that voice has been replaced by "God is with me, I can do this!"

And it's spilling over into other areas already. I'm terrible about keeping up with the dishes, but I've already improved in that area. Now if I can get my dryer working, laundry will be next! I've watched less TV (except for American Idol... I can't miss that!), I've felt more confident about my decision to change careers and churches. I interviewed for a new job.

I think my decision to walk away from fundamentalism though, was the beginning of all this. I have heard God saying for several years that the SBC wasn't right for me, but I just wanted it to work so badly and I was afraid to leave. Walking away from fundamentalism has been spiritually liberating, and now I will continue harvesting good things from that decision. Praise the Lord!

Another SBC foible

2006-04-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

Yet another reason why I am leaving the Southern Baptist Convention for good.

http://www.baptists4ethics.com/article_detail.cfm?AID=7217

Incidentally, my husband and I have decided to join Wilshire Baptist Church. We are THRILLED to be joining soon, but we will wait until the school year is out.

Friday Five: The Arts

2006-04-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

Whether it was on Broadway or at your neighborhood elementary school, name five experiences of the performing arts that have touched or tickled you.

1. The Centurymen at Beaver Dam Baptist Church in Knoxville, TN - I had heard of this group for ages, but had never heard them live. The Centurymen is a group of about 100 Southern Baptist ministers of music (all men). All I can describe this as is a wall of glorious sound. Watching their faces, you could see and hear that their worship was genuine. And WOW! There is nothing like a large, skilled men's choir. They were actually nominated for a Grammy a few years ago for a Christmas album they did. And I know several of the guys from various experiences.

2. Martin Guerre at Prince Edward Theater in London, England - I don't know if any of you have heard of this musical, but it's written by the same team that wrote Les Miserables. The story is about a French peasant named Martin Guerre who married the daughter of a well to do family. Guerre goes off to war and doesn't return, but another man who claims to be Guerre returns pretending to be Guerre. He lives with Guerre's wife and continues life as Guerre for three years, but then the real Guerre returns. The musical emphasizes the tension between the Catholics and Protestants and asks the question "Who are the imposters here"? I still listen to the soundtrack occasionally because I thought the musical was so powerful.

3. Messiah by G.F. Handel at Southwestern Seminary - I was in this performance. I guess singing these scriptures was the first time the connection between the prophesies in Isaiah and the life of Christ became real to me.

4. St. Matthew Passion at Southwestern Seminary - There is so much symbolism in Bach's writing. The music is so descriptive and reflective and I have never looked at the Passion the same way.

5. Church Music Gala of the SWBTS Church Music Conference at the Meyerson in Dallas - Just more proof that church music doesn't have to be cookie cutter. Every year I try to be sure I make it to the gala. They set such a high standard and I find that kind of offering very worshipful.

Putting it on the line

2006-04-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

I took my high school kids back to the seminary I graduated from. We were participating in a church music class where my kids were the demo choir. It was a very good experience. Between that, the excellent rating at festival and the superior ratings my 5th and 6th graders received, I started second guessing my decision to quit my job.

But then I realized I don't really have a choice. I believe God put this feeling of discomfort in me and that He is calling me to move. I did briefly think about appealing to see whether I could stay without attending the church, but then realized that the effort would be futile. But, there are some other wonderful things on the horizon...

I'm talking with a college about coming on board as an associate choir director. I honestly don't know how many other candidates there are or if I have what they're looking for. But the possibility of it is exciting to me.

I put my resumé in the hat at a church that's looking for a full time children's music coordinator. I have heard NOTHING back from them at this point, but I just sent the resumé over the weekend. So, we'll see...

Both of those jobs are out of state...

Of course, I'm still on track with my alternative certification at this point as well. I take the TExES on Saturday. Please pray that I will pass this exam! If I don't pass, I'll have to take it again in June, which means I won't be eligible for hire until July. Considering this is a total career change for me, I'm nervous...

I know all of this is in God's hands, and He has provided for me before. My imagination runs wild though, thinking of what COULD happen. I thank you all for your prayers.

American Dream

2006-04-03T07:18:00.000-07:00

Lately, there seems to be a lot of attention on illegal immigration and America's problems at the southern border. I can honestly say, if I lived in Mexico, or other parts of Central and South America, I would try to come here too. America has its problems, but I challenge you to find a nation with more opportunities, more freedom and a higher overall standard of living.

That said, it doesn't make it right for someone to cross over the border illegally. We have immigration laws for a reason. And we can't take everyone all at once, or our system will be overloaded. Take a look at cities like El Paso for examples of what happens when a system is unprepared for an influx of immigrants.

I hate to admit it, but the United States has brought a lot of this on itself. First of all, the government ignored the problem for too long. We have known for years that people were illegally entering the U.S., but officials have turned a blind eye. Not only that, but the process to become a U.S. citizen is dreadfully long and complicated. I agree people should come here legally, but the process of obtaining citizenship needs to be streamlined.

But what do we do now?

I say first we enforce the laws that are already on the books. They are in place for a reason, one major one being to protect our public services from being overrun. This is critical. Without this step, the rest of our efforts are in vain.

Second, I say we should come up with a way to legalize the illegal immigrants that are already in the country. Some of them have lived here for years, working and contributing to society. I think legalization should be limited to those who have not committed felony offenses or have an otherwise extensive arrest record. Keep legalization from being an overly complicated, expensive and lengthy process, and my guess is that most will be willing to comply. Those who are not willing to be legalized should be deported.

Those who are going through the legal channels to become an American citizen should have some kind of incentive to do so. I'm not sure what that is, but we can't ignore the fact that legalizing all these illegals is unfair to the people who have geon through the proper channels to become a citizen.

Finally, if you are living in the U.S., be a proponent of the U.S. I've seen too many Mexican flags being flown lately, sometimes above the American flag. If you want to live in America and take advantage of American opportunities, be a fan of America. If Mexico is so great, why did you leave? I understand the whole thing about being proud of your heritage, and I have no problem with celebrating Latin heritage and culture. But once you become an American, you are an American first.

I believe many of the students who protested last week did little more than hurt their cause. Most people I have talked to have a very negative impression of those students because of their behavior while they protested. Cars were pounded on, goods were stolen and they desecrated their own flag in some cases. They showed little knowledge of the issues. Be informed. Be respectful. Be an example of why our immigration laws need to change... for all the RIGHT reasons.

Busy Blogger

2006-04-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten this blog, I just can't seem to get enough quiet time to gather my thoughts, but here's a preview of what's coming...

-Putting my career on the line
-Taking my high school students to the seminary that "nurtured" me
-Looking at immigration from both sides of the aisle

Hopefully I'll get to it soon! I take the TExES exam this coming weekend, so I'll be studying a lot between now and then. I also have an appointment with the endocrinologist on Friday. If you could remember me in your prayers this week, I would be so grateful.

Confessions

2006-03-15T20:38:00.000-08:00

Part of breaking free from fundamentalism involves some confessing and repenting on my part. I believe I need to confess publically that I have been unkind and inconsiderate toward some of my Christian friends who happen to be gay.

I've always known that homosexuality is "an abomination" to God. In high school, I never had to deal with it. I didn't know anyone who was gay. Some friends and I jokingly suspected that another of our friends might be, but I never took it seriously.

That all changed when I got to college. I became very close to a couple of guys who were in the music department with me. I thought they were fantastic because they went shopping with me and acted as my personal style consultants. I never put two and two together. It truly never occurred to me.

Then, it happened. One of them came out to me. Then later, another guy friend. Before I knew it, I had about ten friends who were homosexual. It rocked my world, I tell you. Among those friends was the aforementioned high school buddy that we joked about. It turned me upside down to see them suffer so much.

I saw them struggle against it. I saw them cry because they couldn't change themselves. All the while I'm hearing the messages from my church and school that said "love the sinner and hate the sin" even though the unspoken message was that these people are completely unacceptable. On the one hand, I tried to be supportive to my friends. On the other hand, I had to keep my mouth shut because I didn't want to get dirty.

I still didn't understand. I still don't, as a matter of fact. But I do know that I failed those friends because I didn't know how to handle it. I know I gossipped about some of them. I judged them. I tried not to, but I did.

Probably the worst moment for me was when I had a roommate who turned out to be bisexual. She had befriended another bisexual girl and they became very close. I walked in on them one night, cuddling. I was horrified, not by the sight of them, but by what might happen to me.

I went into self preservation mode because I was worried about what people might think and I was worried about getting into trouble myself. So, I'm not proud of it, but I ratted on them without even confronting them first. They ended up being asked to leave the school. To be sure, the relationship was unhealthy and something needed to be done to protect my roommate, who was extremely emotionally needy. But I regret how I handled it.

Tonight I read an article about Soulforce's Ride for Equality. They're visiting several campuses, one of them being my alma mater. Recently they were at Regent University, and they noted how touched they were at the number of students who apologized on behalf of all Christians who had hurt them. Regent University had several of the Equality Riders arrested after they crossed the picket line to touch these students who wanted to pray with them, hug them and care for them.

I went to look at the website, and I found the bio of a girl who was kicked out of my alma mater. My mind flashed back to my former roommate immediately, as they have some similar features and are close in age. Not only that, but this girl is from my hometown. I'm forced again to confront myself and my actions.

I don't claim to know all the answers, but I am here confessing now that I did not treat my brothers and sisters in Christ with respect and dignity. I commit myself now to being an agent for healing rather than one who will victimize simply because she does not understand.

I wonder sometimes...

2006-03-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

I started my second church job almost as soon as I started seminary. I interviewed for a music associate position in two different churches. One was an affluent, rapidly growing, suburban congregation. The other was situation was urban and declining.

I have often questioned my decision to go to the urban, declining situation. I faced a lot of financial hardships, but more than that, my spirit was crushed. By the time I left, two years later, I had no confidence in my abilities and felt angry and betrayed. It took me until last fall, over two years later, to finally let go of the last shred of insecurity, hurt and anger over what happened.

In my mind, I would go back to that other church. They offered me a position at the same time. I was turned off by the fact that such an affluent congregation could not guarantee that the position would last more than a month. And I was turned off by how over commercialized the whole operation seemed. At the time, however, people were streaming in the doors! The first time I visited, about 50 people joined the church! It was definitely impressive to see all those people lined up at the front of the church. After that, one of my good friends led worship there a few times and another friend of mine ended up on the praise team for a while.

The "pastor as CEO" mentality is a huge turnoff to me. Parishioners inevitably get run over by the "business agenda" of the pastor. I sensed some of this even in my first visit to the church. I walked away from the job.

In the Baptist church, decisions have historically been made by the church body. I am disturbed by the direction many of today's Baptist churches have gone. But then I heard about this story...

Foursome expelled from Baptist Church

Kicked out of the House

THAT is the church I could have worked at. That is where I could have ended up. The grass isn't always greener! I think being there would have been the equivalent of selling out... Or maybe even selling my soul?

In other news, I went to get my test results from the doctor today. My numbers were all pretty normal except for my prolactin levels. So, now I'm scheduled to have an MRI on Wednesday to rule out a pituitary tumor. Pituitary tumors are almost always benign, but they can wreak havoc on your body! Perhaps this is the beginning of an answer for me?

Current Playlist

2006-03-11T11:46:00.000-08:00

Blogger Playlist:
1. Balm in Gilead - Nnenna Freelon
2. Holy God We Praise Thy Name--arr. John Ferguson - St Olaf Choir
3. When I Survey The Wondrous Cross--arr. Gilbert Martin - St Olaf Choir
4. Jesus - Avalon
5. Draw Me Nearer - Caedmon's Call
6. Crimson - Nichole Nordeman
7. Orphans Of God - Avalon
8. In Christ Alone - Janna Long
9. God Is In The Roses - Rosanne Cash
10. The Final Move - Chris Rice
11. The Cruel War - Dolly Parton feat. Alison Krauss, Mindy Smith, and Dan Tyminski
12. Ordinary People - John Legend
13. Bless The Broken Road - Rascal Flatts
14. Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
15. Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick
16. 7 Days To Change Your Life - Jamie Cullum
17. You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go - Madeleine Peyroux
18. Wake Up, Little Sparrow - Lizz Wright
19. Basin Street Blues - Diana Krall
20. Never Die Young - James Taylor
21. I Think It's Going To Rain Today - Norah Jones
22. Just A Closer Walk With Thee - Irvin Mayfield, Jr.
23. Oh God - Jamie Cullum
24. This Joy - Shirley Ceasar
25. Vocalise / End Of The Line - Lizz Wright

Speak English, Man! and Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2006-03-11T07:26:00.000-08:00

English Genius
You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 80% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 65% on Beginner

You scored higher than 39% on Intermediate

You scored higher than 73% on Advanced

You scored higher than 47% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

1) Do you like your hair?
Usually, although I wish it would cooperate more when I'm styling it.

2) Have you ever colored your hair? If not, would you consider it?
Mine is colored right now! It's just a little richer shade than my natural. I <3 it.

3) What's the longest you've ever worn your hair? The shortest?
The longest I ever had was about the middle of my back. The shortest, probably just a little shorter than it is right now! Right now it's a couple of inches below my ears.

4) When and what was your worst. haircut. ever?
I have naturally curly hair, but that didn't stop me from wanting a perm in fifth grade. At the time I was in denial about my curly hair. My mom protested, but finally relented. I had the biggest white girl 'fro ever. I should find some of my basketball pictures sometime and share them...

5) Tell us a favorite song or scene from a book or movie dealing with hair.
Beauty School Dropout, from Grease... of course! :D

Tales from the Crypt

2006-03-07T11:55:00.000-08:00

My best friend told me I should blog these in a new blog, but I figured I'd try them out here (I already posted this in my livejournal)... I already have two blogs to keep up with. I don't suppose I need a third!

I have this 8th grade boy named Chris in choir. He hates singing and has told me so... many times. Last year he was one of my biggest and loudest pitch problems. Well this year he has improved so much that I put him in my small ensemble. You bet I'm proud of that!

Well, he still has some behavior issues. So, I moved him away from the other boys and into the corner. This was his idea, by the way. Well, I also have this old keyboard in the corner because there is no room for it in the closet.

Last week we were rehearsing and I noticed Chris mimicking me at the keyboard out of the corner of my eye. The kids were obviously being entertained by his charade, but I decided to keep going. At one point, I play a strong chord on the piano, and he copies me. But then, it happens... The keyboard, which had been wobbling on an old broken stand before, comes crashing to the ground. It created quite a commotion, as you can imagine.

I haven't tested the thing to see if it still works. It's still just sitting there, partly because the adaptor is fried.

At this point, I decide that continuing to rehearse the song is useless. So, I move on to the next number... And I gave Chris firm instructions to keep his hands off the keyboard.

But I couldn't help laughing...

****************************

Today in fifth grade choir, I handed out permission slips for the competition. Two of the girls informed me that they would not be able to return the slips by Friday because their moms don't speak English.

"Well, I know this isn't the first letter from school to be sent home. How do they usually read them?"

"My dad reads it to her, but he's out of town."

So, of all things, my two girls who have non-English speaking parents both have dads out of town in the same week? What are the odds?? One mom speaks Chinese and the other speaks Spanish. But the girls say they don't speak Chinese or Spanish. This leads me to my next question. How do the girls communicate with their mothers? Do their moms just point and grunt? Both moms have lived in the states for years, so I believe they're just exaggerating the situation.

And I know these girls are just fifth graders, but someone needs to redirect their style. I had two other girls who asked permission to wear BRIDESMAID DRESSES to the competition. What? Someone WANTS to wear a bridesmaid dress?

*****************************

I don't remember if I've mentioned it before, but my school has a full time maintenance guy I'll call G. G is a good guy, but he's a little eccentric. Ever since he met me and found out I'm the music teacher, he comes to my room to share the songs that he writes.

So, he comes in and sings these songs for me. Usually the lyrics have no rhyme or rhythm, and the melody is completely unintelligible. I humor him though, because what else am I going to do? I mean, if this is his worship expression, who am I to judge. But listening to it is not a highlight of my life, I'll tell you.

Well, then he brought in his latest project. A "rap" CD. I'm sure my jaw dropped when he said that. The guy is an older white gentleman. He isn't exactly anyone's picture of what a "rapper" looks like.

He gives me a copy of this "rap" CD that he created, probably in the privacy of his garage. I decided to avoid listening to it for a while. It was my husband who finally begged me to listen, presumably so he could get a laugh out of it.

Yeah. It was interesting. It's basically him talking over a synthesizer loop. He doesn't speak in rhythm at all and the words don't rhyme. You tell me how that's rap! I considered posting it for my loyal readers, but thought that might be a copyright violation or something.

Yo, word to your mother...

******************************

Speaking of rap, one of the 8th grade boys wanted to share his "battle rap" he wrote today. He read it to me off a sheet of notebook paper, but then he stumbled over the words because he can't read his own handwriting. Honestly, the rap itself wasn't half bad. But he'll never make it in the ghetto. Something about a spoiled suburban white kid in a private school doesn't scream "ghetto" to me. But maybe I'm just crazy.

Meme Time

2006-03-06T12:10:00.000-08:00

I found this meme via revgalblogpals member St. Casserole. YAY! A time waster!

Do you wear a cross? Sometimes

Is there a particular time or place that you consider wearing a cross? Sometimes I wear it when I know I'm going into a challenging environment or if I'm travelling.

Where do you wear it? On a chain

What does the cross look like? I have several. A couple of them are quite large and encrusted with rhinestones. I have one my daddy gave me that I love... it has several semi-precious stones in it. My other favorite is missing at the moment. It's a James Avery celtic cross that was given to me for graduation by the church choir I sang with in college. I may end up just buying another one to replace it.

Who gave the cross to you or did you choose it? See above

Is this your favorite cross, if so, why? see above

What does wearing a cross mean to you? It just reminds me that God is always with me and reminds me of His sacrifice

Wanna play? Tag yourself and tell us if, when and why you wear or don't wear a cross.

No Turning Back

2006-03-06T11:57:00.000-08:00

Today I officially let my administration know that I'm not returning to teach here next year. It feels really good to get that off my chest. Now I just need to study hard, pass my exam, go through the summer institute and find a new job.

The interesting thing about this exam is that I have never studied the content at all! I don't know how to determine what is important and what isn't. I have a study guide that I paid good money for, but it just looks like a list of things that are ABOUT what the teacher should know rather than the actual content. I need the ACTUAL content. But the list of resources is about a mile long and there's no way I can learn all that in one month.

In other news, I had a good discussion with my accompanist about the church attendance requirement. I didn't realize that she is a certified music teacher. She's looking to go back into the classroom next year and wanted to use me as a reference. She looked interested in taking my job here, but then became just as disinterested when I explained the church attendance requirement.

One of my favorite people has been hospitalized. I know very little about what happened, except that he has an infection and is in the hospital. Anyway, if you could send up a prayer for David's health, I'd appreciate it.

Orphans of God

2006-03-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

I downloaded the new Avalon album last week. I LOVE Avalon. I'm not usually one to post song lyrics, but this song really touched me.

Who here among us has not been broken
Who here among us is without guilt or pain
So oft abandoned by our transgressions
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers
There are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

Come ye unwanted and find affection
Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head
Come ye unworthy, you are my brother
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

O blessed Father, look down upon us
We are Your children, we need Your love
We run before Your throne of mercy
And seek Your face to rise above

So long, status quo

2006-03-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

Somewhere between Brenna Gethers's pretentious pouts and Mandisa's power belting, I got an email from Texas Teaching Fellows. The first one confused me, because it started talking about a meeting for other Texas Teaching Fellows. It occurred to me to look further down in my inbox. And there it was... My acceptance letter...

So, I immediately registered for the TExES exam for Special Education EC-12. And I say goodbye to my short career as a Christian school music teacher. It's bittersweet, actually. Part of me really doesn't want to let go of what I've started here. I'm afraid leaving will mean it stops growing. That's ridiculous, of course. Anyone can be replaced, and I am no exception. Blame it on my ego.

A new chapter begins for me now. I'm very excited about the prospect of making a difference in the lives of public school kids. I'm also extremely nervous about leaving my "comfort zone" to embark on all these new journeys. This marks the end of my walk in fundamentalism, both vocationally and spiritually. I wonder if birds leaving the nest feel as free and as scared as I do.

A Sticky Situation

2006-02-28T13:22:00.000-08:00

In my almost two years of teaching, I have struggled with discipline issues more than anything else. Well, that and being organized. But today I experienced a personal triumph. It really is the little things that make or break us, isn't it?

I was warming up my seventh and eighth graders this afternoon when I noticed something odd about a couple of the girls. They were moving their jaws in an odd way. Wait... are they chewing something??? I watched them for a few more seconds until I felt that I was sure. Indeed, they were chewing something. I finished the warm up exercise and then I called them up to the piano.

Do you have gum?

Two heads bobbing up and down.

Go spit it out. That's five demerits.

YESSSSSSSSSSS! I NEVER catch gum chewers. This is, indeed, a day of rejoicing and gladness.

Tell me some of your "little things" that equal big victories.

Teamwork

2006-02-27T08:47:00.000-08:00

There are moments when I act like a real brat. I am recognizing this more and more as of late. For instance, I don't sing on the praise team. It isn't because I haven't communicated my desire to participate, so I'm mystified as to why. I have had some pretty pouty, sulky moments because of that. My tendency is to let a critical spirit well up in me. But it isn't about me, and I know that. I need to discipline my inner brat a bit more, I'm thinking.

The thing is, not everyone can be out front. Some people need to be the supporting players. And if I truly desire to do everything as unto the Lord, then I need to accept my given role. We don't always get our way, do we?

My high school kids are competing tonight. On the one hand, this is the best group I've had since I've been here. On the other hand, I'm afraid we just aren't prepared enough. I want them to earn a good score because it would encourage everyone involved, but I also want them to earn what they deserve. But this morning, we were still correcting pitches. That concerns me. It also concerns me that two members of my eight person ensemble decided to cut class on Friday, with only two rehearsal remaining until competition. It just demonstrates their commitment level, which makes me very nervous. They still haven't gotten through an entire performance without someone giggling, looking off in the wrong direction, or sticking their hands in their pockets. Bleh.

Have a wonderful week, everyone! I'll let you know how it turns out!

God Opens Doors

2006-02-25T21:02:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been seeing more and more things at my church that disturb me. I don't want to detract from anything they're doing that's positive, so I won't go into detail. I will say this though, anytime a minister has to guilt trip his people into service, we need to start examining motives. In the meantime though, I know I need to be more faithful, and I will be. Any service I do is for God, not man, and I need to remember that when I get frustrated.

Today was the long awaited interview day for Texas Teaching Fellows. I was nervous going in, but I immediately felt at ease with my small group. We did our five minute sample lessons. I felt that mine was very strong, considering I only had five minutes to communicate the objective, concept and then reinforce it. I did later get several compliments on the lesson's structure. That was encouraging. I felt pretty strong about the whole day, which I hope is a good sign. I should know within two weeks whether I was accepted.

I'm just going to think positively and believe I will be accepted. Once I am accepted, I'll need to register for the special ed content exam of the TExES. After I pass that, I can participate in the summer institute and be considered for hire in the area school districts. I'm excited, but extremely nervous. I become afraid that I'm making a mistake by doing this, but I believe that's just nerves talking. I know I can be a good teacher if I'm given the right tools and instruction.

The more I think about our future in Dallas, the more excited I become. Yes, I still want to move back to Tennessee at some point, but God has us here for a reason. I can just picture us living here for a few more years, getting debt paid off, serving in the right church, finishing my husband's degree, establishing my career. I'm just excited about the doors the Lord is opening up for us. Once again He has reminded me "For I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you... plans to give you a hope and a future."

It's like coming home...

2006-02-20T17:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning, Phillip and I decided to visit another church. It was a church I had been curious about for a while. I first heard about it while I was still a seminary student. My former organ teacher used to be their organist. I then heard more about it when I affiliated with the local alumnae chapter of my music sorority.

This morning I woke up and decided I wanted to do something different, so we went to Wilshire Baptist. They are a Cooperative Baptist Fellowship church. We went to one of the young married Sunday school classes and I was immediately impressed by how friendly and sweet they are. One of my faults is being very closed off when meeting new people. I'm afraid I'm being judged because of my appearance, mostly. But I was quickly drawn out of myself into conversation.

Our teacher was great. He has some seminary training and did an excellent job handling the lesson. He kept us all involved by asking questions, getting us to contribute to the discussion... But without forcing anyone to talk. It was wonderful. When we left class I felt like I had met a roomful of potential new friends!

The worship service was beautiful. No one made any jokes at inappropriate times, no one interrupted the flow of worship with church announcements and everyone was respectful of the worship space. The organist chimed the hour and everyone knew it was time to gather for worship. Even more special, the sanctuary was full of children. They didn't haul the kids off for children's church, they worshipped with the adults. The choir was polished and well prepared. The music was beautiful. The sermon was excellent. Phillip and I both really loved it...

We went to lunch and took our time getting home. As we were walking up to the door, we saw something hanging on the doorknob. Someone from Wilshire had already been here to visit. I was very impressed. Everyone we met was incredibly friendly. We are definitely going to visit again. I loved everything about it and Phillip said he did too.

Something that's very important to me is that women are affirmed and encouraged in ministry. I know there are some on my friends list who will disagree with me on that, but that is definitely important to me. I was very pleased to find a number of women listed as church staff. Not only that, but they are listed as "minister of..." rather than "director of..." In our information bag there were a few promotional postcards... This was one of them...

So fabulous!

Last night they had John Ferguson, a visiting organist from St. Olaf, leading an organ dedication worship service. Everything was so well prepared... So creative... So beautifully expressive... I liked being in a place where creativity is embraced and nothing was "canned." I don't even know how to begin explaining how wonderful it was to sing the deep rich hymn texts with a sanctuary full of people and a beautiful pipe organ when I haven't had that in so long.

Today I went to my new doctor and was very impressed. She is young, but was very down to earth and easy to talk to. I expressed my concerns about PCOS and the associated bothersome symptoms. She agreed that I probably suffer from the syndrome and ordered a 2 hr glucose tolerance test for me as well as more bloodwork to check my hormone levels. She mentioned involving an endocrinologist and a gynecologist, which is just what I was hoping she'd say. I really liked her. Her staff seemed a little strange to me, but so am I.

Now I'm on the five day countdown to the interview day for Texas Teaching Fellows. I need to put together a lesson. I already put together my outfit, which I hope doesn't give a false impression about my priorities! I also went this weekend to get new glasses made, and I'm hoping that I might be able to get them in time for this interview. I found the coolest frames ever! They're red (think Sally Jessy Raphael, with a major shape update) with two tiny rhinestones on each side. My husband says they express my personality perfectly. I also ordered some new prescription sunglasses, as I'm tired of being blinded by the afternoon Texas sun.

So, I have a few ideas about what I'd like to do for my five minute lesson, but I'd like to hear yours. If you had five minutes to make an impression on someone based only on your lesson, what would you teach and why?

Day of Madness

2006-02-16T07:35:00.000-08:00

Thursday is supposed to be my easy day.

OH MY COW... I can't stop laughing at that one...

Choir is singing in chapel today. Usually that means we go downstairs, plug in the keyboard and practice. Not today. Apparently the keyboard adaptor is fried. So, we borrowed the keyboard from the band hall. It didn't fit on the stand, so I sent someone to also get the stand. Well, while we were waiting for said stand to appear, one of my baritones DROPS the keyboard on the gym floor. Yikes...

Meanwhile, middle school boys are setting up the chairs for chapel, the band is practicing their praise and worship set in the back corner and the drama class has appeared to set up for their performance.

The stand arrives, we plug in the keyboard and everything is great... Except that the damper pedal doesn't work. And everything sounds really distorted because the keyboard is a piece of crap...

At this point I'm near tears and so is my accompanist. I decide to bring the acoustic piano downstairs. Yes... You heard me right... Good thing there's an elevator... And the piano has wheels...

So, we run through both songs back in my classroom, where we can actually hear each other... Then we roll the piano to the elevator, at which point we realize that it doesn't exactly fit. The boys do a little rearranging and we get it on the elevator. The same process occurs when rolling the piano OFF the elevator.

We roll the piano down the hall, to the gym, at which point one of the wheels start squealing like a stuck pig, causing everyone in the front office to give us dirty looks.

I write five excuse notes for my kids who are tardy to second period. Then I try to find a can of pledge to wipe down the piano, which is now covered in dust and fingerprints.

This was all before 9 a.m. Now, I'm trying to decompress...

And all of this wouldn't have been an issue if the church would just let us use their stinkin' sanctuary for chapel. What message does it send that we aren't allowed to use the appropriate facilities for worship? I mean, really...

Meanwhile, back in la-la land...

2006-02-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

I apologize for my absence. It seems like everything is happening at once. I have three festivals coming up, a chapel performance, a spring concert/musical, and a performance at my alma mater. I have six duets to teach to sixth grade girls in the next four weeks, 45 third and fourth graders to give individual recorder lessons to, six piano lessons to make up and a recital to schedule. On top of that, I have to re-organize my messy classroom, be evaluated and go to in-service.

Not to mention I have to get ready for my interview...

Yes! I got accepted to the interview day for Texas Teaching Fellows. The day looks like it will be interesting, at the very least. At some point I have to get up and teach a five minute lesson on anything I choose. This should be an easy task for me, but I'm just dying so much to do a spectacular job that I haven't chosen a topic yet. Great! But I do still have a week and a half to prepare.

I went yesterday and bought something new to wear for it. Now I have an excuse to buy new accessories. Yes, I think some robin's egg blue colored shoes are in order.

To follow up on my last entry. The pastor came and spoke with some of us who were concerned about the direction things appeared to be going. Some things were communicated to us that cleared up a few concerns. The pastor even addressed the illustration from last Sunday's sermon that got me riled up. And while I really don't agree with him 100 percent, I can support the idea much more now that some of my concerns have been addressed.

Happy Valentine's Day to all. My husband and I celebrated with a quiet evening at home. It was nice to spend some time together for a change. With him working nights, it seems like I'm here alone more often than not. Yucky schedule...

Anyway, good night to you all!

Dissenting Views

2006-02-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

My church is entering a building campaign for a $2.5 million youth center. I see good and bad things about pursuing a project like this. One of my main concerns is that the church hasn't paid off their debt from the previous building campaign. I believe scripture is pretty clear about the borrower being servant to the lender. I think the church should lead by example.

To be fair, part of the campaign is dedicated to paying off the sanctuary fund. But something came up in the sermon Sunday that has really been bothering me.

The pastor used an illustration about when he was younger and just out of college. He was attending a church that had started a building program, but he didn't have any money to give. So, he went to the bank and borrowed $1,000 to give to the building program. He said it like this was a good thing. So, he went into debt to give money to the church that wasn't his to begin with! As someone who is struggling to get out of debt, I have a problem with this mentality.

The incident served to affirm me in my decision to leave the church. And I was just frustrated enough at work this week to be affirmed in my decision to leave the job too. But then these little things happen that cause me to waver...

-Sixth grade girls who say my class is their favorite
-Rough and tumble elementary boys who are loving piano lessons
-Eighth grade kids who stay after class because they want to sing more
-High school kids who are looking forward to competitions and want to do their best
-Kindergarten kids who can read quarter note and eighth note rhythms flawlessly

I hate to leave, but I need to...

In other news, bravo to the 85 evangelicals who are part of the Evangelical Climate Initiative! I'm proud to say my college president is one of the signers. You can learn more about it here.

Taking Chances

2006-02-03T08:09:00.000-08:00

I spoke with both principals about my decision, but I also let them know that this is not completely certain yet. Both of them understood my decision. I really work for two incredible Christian administrators and I will be sad to leave them. It's almost enough to make me stay, just so I can continue to work for them. I don't think there is much hope for the board to decide that we can attend other churches though, so I'm afraid I don't have a choice.

Of course, I was so certain about what my next move is. But now I'm questioning myself. If I do teach special ed, will I be able to handle all the difficulties that come with that specialty? I've heard some stories lately and I really wonder if I would be able to handle it. Then again, I can handle anything for one year. I can be certified for music and special ed at the same time. I don't know. I'm just applying for everything and seeing what doors God will open.

No matter what, I'm taking a chance. If I leave, I'm taking a chance that I will fail at this new venture. If I stay, I take a chance that I will have yet another frustrating year of not really fitting in at my church and not really feeling like I'm making a difference to anyone. But what can I say... Living life is just a string of chances to take and choices to make, but our steps are ordered by the Lord. He'll take me where I need to be...

Decisions

2006-01-30T05:59:00.000-08:00

The beginning of last week was rough, hence my absence from this blog. Sunday afternoon I was supposed to go rehearse with my SAI sisters for a musicale, but I decided to stay home because I was feeling blah. Not an hour later, I started running a fever. It spiked at 103, so I didn't teach last Monday. Instead, I went and did the rest of my bloodwork. I passed out after one vial was collected, so I was afraid there wouldn't be enough blood to test. But my results were complete, so no big deal.

My glucose was a little high, but nothing to be alarmed about. My thyroid numbers were on the high end of normal. And my LDL was a little high. So, I'm definitely going back to be evaluated for PCOS. All those things tend to work together.

Even more though, I finally made a decision about next year. I've applied for Texas Teaching Fellows to do my alternative certification in either music or special ed. Yesterday, I finally felt released to make that decision and now I'm really excited about it.

In Sunday school, one of the couples in our class announced that it was their last Sunday. They have some issues with the church, but they didn't go into detail. They were just expressing that they had only stayed as long as they had because of the Sunday school class. Then the pastor preached about a spiritual journey. I'm sure he's talking about the new building program, but personally, it just means two words: move on.

By moving into a secular environment, I can spend some time making a difference in the world at large, rather than a Christian bubble. I can worship where and how I choose. And I can start laying the groundwork for my doctoral project. And let's not forget that the pay and benefits will substantially increase, meaning that my husband and I can get out of debt and send him back to school.

All in all, I'm pleased and excited about my decision. But I'm also nervous. Also, there's no guarantee I'll be accepted to the program or that there will be an available position. There's also the possibility that one of the churches I've been talking to will call me. Please pray that I will see clearly what God's will is for me in this situation.

Friday Five: Pleasures

2006-01-20T07:29:00.000-08:00

I'm going to list five GUILTY pleasures... In other words, I'm letting you see into my dirty closet... Everyone knows about my American Idol obsession, and most of you know how much I love chocolate, Dolly Parton and Kelly Clarkson, but here are a few more that may cause you to question my taste...

1. E! True Hollywood Story - I'm a sucker for a good celebrity sob story. I think it goes back to the fact that I'm just plain nosy.

2. Expensive make-up in a shiny package - I enjoy being a girl.

3. Ashlee Simpson - Yes, I know... Shut up!

4. Bath and Body Works - So overpriced, but so good...

5. Livejournal - I'm addicted and have been for five years now!

I should read my own blog...

2006-01-19T20:41:00.000-08:00

Speaking of failure, I've been feeling pretty negative about myself lately because of my weight loss efforts. More specifically, they've been a complete flop. Today I went for my yearly physical. The doctor mentions I might have PCOS, which really was no surprise, but I was in denial.

Denial is a nice place. The grass is still green in the land of denial.

Now, I have no diagnosis, but the possibility of it was enough to send me into a tailspin this afternoon. And I start blaming myself for everything. I even went so far as to blame every bad situation I'm in on my weight problem. And the truth is, I could have done better. And instead of getting disgusted when I do everything right and the scale just won't budge, I should be thankful for the health benefit I am most definitely receiving just by doing the right thing.

It's like most things in the Christian life, I suppose. There are many things we are called to do that we will never get recognition for. Maybe we won't see any visible results at all, but His presence, we are rewarded for faithfulness. Thank you, Holy Spirit! Now, please God, help me apply that train of thought...

And even if it is PCOS, that doesn't mean it's all hopeless. It doesn't mean I'm doomed to stay here forever. It doesn't mean necessarily that I won't be a mom someday. It doesn't mean that my skin will never clear up and it doesn't mean I'm going to die in some kind of freak accident involving carbohydrates and a hormonal surge. It just is... And does God not use everything for His glory?

Perhaps, I should use allow God to use my past failures to shape me into what He wants me to be, both physically and spiritually.

Failure

2006-01-15T20:46:00.000-08:00

On Sunday mornings, I like to listen to the services at First Baptist Dallas on the radio while I'm getting ready for church. My husband and I used to attend church there, and we actually met there for the first time after corresponding over the internet. We really love Dr. Brunson's preaching and we both really miss it.

Anyway, this Sunday's message really hit me in the gut, so to speak. He talked about failure. He asked some of the questions that have been rolling around in my head about how we treat our brothers and sisters. Why do we shut people out who have failed? Why do we try to sweep them under the rug or kick them in the backside instead of loving them and restoring them?

Here's another thing... Why do we struggle so much with forgiving those who have failed us? Instead of growing embittered and cynical, why not use that negative experience to return the same kind of gift that Christ gave us? Who does it serve when we harbor bitterness against another person?

He also talked about using failure as a springboard to something better. He remarked that very few people who have been really successful didn't experience some kind of major failure along the way. My response to major failure has usually been to curl up in the fetal position, hide and cry. I admit that. But wouldn't it be something if I could take that broken situation, give it to my God, and let Him turn it into something that will be used for His glory!

Dr. Brunson's encouraging and comforting sermon comes highly recommended. You can listen to it until this time next week by clicking here. I wish all of you would listen to it.

The glorified body

2006-01-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight our pastor preached on the glorified body. He started talking about how when someone is dying we're always praying for one more day... more time on earth. But if we even got one glimpse of heaven, we wouldn't be so excited about staying here in this life with all its aches and pains, sorrows and losses.

I started thinking about my friend. She doesn't have to deal with Crohn's disease anymore. She doesn't have to deal with dementia, digestive problems, internal bleeding or even cramps and headaches. She's living in her glorified body, free of pain and disease and heartache. What a comforting thought!

Of course, we don't really know the glorified body is really like, but I have a wish list for mine...

I could be about a foot taller and I'd wear a size 2. I would have shiny, silk straight red hair. I'd never have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the movie. I would never need my glasses or my hearing aids. My ankles wouldn't hurt anymore and I would be able to run marathons. I'd never have a stuffy nose so I'd never have problems with my singing voice. Maybe I would be like an angel and have wings so I could fly everywhere. I would be able to use my entire brain to understand all these theological questions, instead of the 1 or 2% I'm allowed use of here on earth. I think it would be cool to have skin made out of pink diamonds or something. I like shiny things, you know. Ooh! And when I sing, I could sing all four parts at once. My knees wouldn't ache. I wouldn't snore when I sleep. My teeth would blind you with whiteness. I could have a few extra arms to work with. Ok, now I'm just getting silly.

So, all you readers and lurkers... What's your wish list for your glorified body?

Insensitive

2006-01-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight I attended my friend's memorial service. I sat with my husband, my best friend, her husband and two other friends. I felt a great deal of apprehension, but tried to push it aside.

The pastor who spoke seemed to barely know who she was. He read the short obituary that was in the paper, then launched into a narrative about her life. He told a couple of short stories about her childhood, then jumped all the way to her church service. Almost the entire message involved her life at the church.

Her best friend from high school was ignored, the best friend who took her into her home and bailed her out of jail was completely ignored. She was shaking, she was so upset. Apparently she's good enough to clean out a storage unit and pack up her belongings, but not good enough to be acknowledged.

It turned into a big show about the church. It was offensive. And they talked about this girl from the church as if they had been best friends. Actually, my friend couldn't stand her. It was disgusting.

I was mad enough that I pulled the pastor aside afterward. I'm very non-confrontational so I think everyone was surprised. But I expressed my concern to him. He immediately started passing the buck and said something to the effect of "well, I didn't decide who was involved in the planning process." Okay, we know that. But he knew that M lived with my best friend. He pretended to care about what I was saying, but he seemed very fake to me. I hate to be that way about it, but I can smell phony.

They kicked her out of all ministry at that church a few years ago. So, the last story they had to tell was from a vacation from about five years ago. Why was she kicked out? She had some unpaid tickets that she couldn't afford to pay and got arrested. She couldn't afford to pay them because the church kept dangling a carrot in front of her, that she would be given a job in their cafe. So, they didn't care enough to reach out when she was down and out. In fact, they kicked her out of the "inner circle." But they came around when it was time for them to bring glory to themselves...

How can people be so clueless?

Friday Five: Travel

2006-01-13T08:28:00.000-08:00

Name five places you have travelled to that meant something special to you and explain why.

1. Toronto, Canada - This was one of the first times I set foot in a real cathedral. We actually had stopped in Buffalo. It was the first time I had really considered that art is not just an expression of worship, but a facilitator of worship.

2. Chicago, Illinois - As a senior in high school, I broke one ankle and sprained the other while exiting a bus at the Marriott. I was on a choir tour with my high school choir. I ended up missing the last six weeks of my senior year, went to prom in a wheelchair, and graduated with an air cast on my leg. There was a lawsuit, which we settled out of court, that paid for my first year of college. Good times.

3. Fort Worth, Texas - I did a campus visit at the seminary before enrolling. During that visit, I sat down and had a chat with the dean of the school of church music. I remember saying something about being concerned about finding a place to serve because I'm a woman. What he said has stuck with me ever since. He said, basically, don't ever let anyone tell you that God won't use you because you're a woman. He called you here, and that means He has a place for you.

4. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil - I traveled here with my college choir. We did a church music conference with the Baptist seminary in Rio during the day. At night we sang in revival services throughout the city. We saw many people commit their lives to the Lord during that trip, and I fell in love with the Brazilian people and culture.

5. Sao Paulo, Brazil - A couple of years later, I was in Brazil again. This time I was with the seminary choir. We did a church music conference and sang Elijah in Portugese. I met some great people, fell in love with Brazil all over again, and got some great red leather shoes.

Jesus isn't plastic

2006-01-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

I've been stewing over something since Monday night and now I feel like blogging about it.

The night our friend passed away, there were quite a few people from her church on hand. Ordinarily, one might think this is a good thing. And yes, it was good of them to come. But when you consider that hardly any of them bothered to come around while she was still coherent, and a pastor had not been by at all, it's a little disturbing that they would show up in the last couple of hours of her life.

Add to that the fact that all kinds of inappropriate conversation was taking place regarding the church's "record attendance" on the previous Sunday. Let's also not forget the rather thoughtless and unkind comment made about my friend that was overheard. He said "well, there's a whole bunch of people here and she wasn't a regular attender, so we don't know what to expect." He made it sound like it was a burden to be there, and we heard it loud and clear. She gave a lot of service to that church, and to have it all dismissed by one callous comment just tears me up.

Add to that the fact that my best friend, who is the best friend of the woman who just passed away, had experienced an extremely hurtful departure from said church.

Add to that the fact that my best friend, who is extremely talented and could provide a lot to a memorial service, was completely shut out of the planning process by the church, who basically took over the whole process.

And this isn't just any church. This is one of the foremost megachurches in the United States. And my friend's memorial is going to be less about her and more about glorifying this church.

It isn't coincidence that everyone onstage looks perfect. My friend's experience with these people involved them telling her that she wasn't the "image they were looking for" to portray on the platform. So, they put the plastic people onstage. I suppose that they deny God can use normal people to lead worship.

I saw it firsthand. I saw people that are special to me being treated with disdain and dismissal. I don't even want to know what they thought of me and my husband, who was dressed in his work clothes.

How is it that we can take Jesus, who came humbly and worked as a servant, and make him some slick entertainment figure? By putting only the glamorous people up front, doesn't it send the message that you have to be "good enough" according to the world? Do you have to be perfect to be used?

Jesus didn't just come for the people who drive nice cars and look like supermodels. He came to save an overweight girl like me who cries too much. He came to love the dirty, smelly guy buying the cigarettes at the gas station. He came to heal the woman who drives around with expired tags and doesn't take good care of herself. And He didn't just make conversation with all these lepers of society, He touched them and got involved in their lives. How shameful that we make him less than He is!

And to this church... How shameful to swoop in at the last minute and act as if you'd been there all along. How disgusting to act like you care when your actions have showed something completely different! How rude that you would say unkind things about a sister in Christ when she is struggling for her last breaths! How offensive that you won't even allow someone's best friend to do something in her honor, because she doesn't fit into your plastic mold.

Jesus said it best..."I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me."

The things of earth will grow strangely dim...

2006-01-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

You may remember that I mentioned a friend of mine who had recently become ill. More specifically, she's my best friend's other best friend. Well, last night she went home to be with Jesus.

Seeing her there gasping for her last breaths was humbling. She was comatose, but I like to think that part of her was aware of what was happening.

Earlier that day, my best friend went to see her. She said "I'm going away for a while... I just need to take a nap." And just a few hours later, she bid this world goodbye.

The last moments were peaceful. She did not appear to be in any pain. She passed with a dignity that really impressed me. My friend and I left just for a while so she could run by her house and get some medication. Everyone else was just sitting around chatting. Some were sitting on her bed, some were beside her. At one point someone looked down and realized that she was no longer with us. It's like my friend said... It's almost like we were sitting around talking at a party, and she left the room while no one was looking. And when you ask her "where did you go"? She just said, "Oh, I just needed to get away... it's no big thing."

What a blessing for her that she doesn't have to struggle anymore, but can worship our King for eternity! Please pray for His comforting presence for her friends and family. Her family did not make it to the hospital before she passed on, so I'm sure that makes their broken hearts sting all the more. And thank you for your prayers thus far.

Interview with the vampires...

2006-01-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, not really... They weren't vampires. They were actually very nice! I honestly don't know how I did though. I think my inexperience as a full time music director may come into play, but perhaps they will take a chance on me at least long enough for me to come in and direct the choir once. I'll keep you posted.

*Loves the frozen chosen*

Recommendations

2006-01-07T23:06:00.000-08:00

Playing along with the other ladies from RevGalBlogPals, I shall recommend four household products to you that I could not live without!

1. Oxyclean for laundry
2. Sink and Vanity Cleaner from Dollar Tree (seriously, it's really good!)
3. Shout Wipes (I'm accident prone)
4. Scott Tissue

And one item that should have never made the shelves
5. Fantastik - It's just a disappointing cleaner, in my opinion

And I must make a couple of music recommendations. I downloaded the Lizz Wright album, Dreaming Wide Awake, and it is really incredible! I highly recommend if you're into jazz vocals at all. My other recommendation is a new Dolly Parton album Those Were The Days. She put together an album of protest songs from the sixties and has an incredible line-up of guest artists!

And I have to share the strange menagerie of guests that have showed up at my front door this week. The first was a member of the Moonies cult, trying to sell me wind chimes. She is insistent and won't take no for an answer, meanwhile my dog is barking and my husband is trying to sleep before he goes in to work. Last night it was the pizza guy, banging loudly at midnight, except I didn't order a pizza. And just now, a policeman, saying they got a noise complaint about me. Whoops! I guess I had the iTunes turned up too loud. I don't have my hearing aids in, so I guess I did have it up a little louder than normal. haha... You know me, wild party girl... I don't know why they couldn't have just asked me nicely themselves.

New horizons

2006-01-05T18:13:00.000-08:00

I have a phone interview coming up this Sunday afternoon for music director at a PCUSA church near my hometown. Please pray for clarity for me as I explore new possibilities!

Back to reality...

2006-01-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been thought provoking, to say the least.

I should provide you with a little background first. My best friend lives about 15-20 minutes from me. And actually, she lives about 7-8 minutes from where I work and go to church. It was really very interesting, because she took me in toward the end of my seminary career when money was tight and I was at the end of my rope. I lived with her and her husband for a few months to recover financially and emotionally. By some divine act, all three of us got jobs in the same area of town. We commuted about three hours a day, combined total, for a couple of months. This was definitely an act of God, as I was about to be diagnosed with a sleep disorder and couldn't stay awake to drive myself.

It's really quite amazing to think about it, that all of us also ended up moving to this part of town at around the same time. I finally got out on my own, renting an apartment and planning our wedding. And they rented a house. About the time I moved out, M moved in.

M has lived with them ever since, which at this point is over a year. She has Crohn's disease and is notorious for not taking care of herself in a variety of ways. Things came to a head just before Christmas, when she overslept for work. My best friend just happened to be home that day, because she was sick, and she heard the alarm clock buzzing over and over again. Finally the phone started ringing, it was her boss looking for her.

To make a long story short, she was going into liver failure and was suffering from dementia. She spent several days in the hospital and was discharged. New Year's Eve she suffered a severe relapse. This time she was completely unresponsive. She was in a coma and everyone had doubts as to whether she would ever regain consciousness. She did regain consciousness, but her situation is still very serious as she is bleeding internally and they are unable to do any surgery for her.

All this, of course, leads one to think about matters of life and death. Who would know what my wishes are in an end of life situation? Would I have settled everything that needs to be settled? Would I have told the important people in my life that I love them? Would I leave a difficult financial situation for others to deal with?

Of course, then there's the question of how people remember you. Would I be remembered as someone who passionately pursued a calling from God? Would I be remembered as a good friend, loving wife, thoughtful and kind to others? Does all this stuff I'm bothered by really matter all that much? Is life too short to settle for something that is second best?

We were going through the stuff in her room, and it's amazing how much stuff didn't seem important. She didn't have a lot of belongings, but it's amazing how even that stuff just didn't seem to matter. We crowd our lives with so much junk, both literally and figuratively.

In my quest to find clarity, I started sending out resumés to placement services, churches, and even a school in Tampa. I was pleased to get a couple of responses this morning. But then I had to go teach today. I was in dread of the day. The bad taste of the concert was still in my mouth. But I went.

I had a really good day. Not perfect, by any stretch. But it was a good day. I remembered, once again, that I am an elementary music enthusiast at heart. Playing singing games and teaching reading skills and just having a good time. But even my older kids were a joy today. Maybe it's the freshness of a new year. Maybe it's the reminder that life is too short to dwell on pain from the past. But I felt content today.

So, I'll still pursue these other areas, but only to see if anything really just can't be turned down. If a door opens for me and only me, then I will step through it. I'm not ready to just jump to a new opportunity just because it sits in front of me.

On another note, a couple of my new year's resolutions involved cooking and eating more veggies and low fat entrées. I already feel like my body is cleansing itself. I felt really good today! I didn't deprive myself either. I allowed myself a few Hershey kiss size bites of chocolate after lunch and dinner. So, I know I can do this. Now, I just need to remember this when McDonald's calls!

RevGal Friday Five: Resolutions

2005-12-30T14:36:00.000-08:00

1) Do you make New Year's Resolutions?
Yes, every year.

2) If so, are they generally successful?
I generally make too many resolutions, so I am not successful at all of them. But I do tend to make positive progress on one or two in particular, so I still consider it a useful exercise.

3) Do you write them down, or make a mental list?
For the last few years, I have blogged them.

4) Even if you don't make resolutions, is there something you want to focus on in the New Year?
In the new year I want to focus on my physical health and fitness, continually improving our financial stability, and finding where my husband and I are to serve.

5) And do you have plans for New Year's Eve?
Nope! My husband has to work that night. *pouts*

A meme seen around the RevGalBlogPals ring

2005-12-29T22:34:00.000-08:00

I don't usually do memes on this blog, as I save my mindless stuff for livejournal. But maybe I should do more of that sort of thing here and attempt to build some community. So many of you seem to have the same passion for ministry that I do...

Anyway, here's something I stole from a number of folks.

1. What is the best gift you received this year? (Tangible gifts only, please!)
I got an iFusion portable speaker for my iPod. I can't use the earbuds when my hearing aids are in. And I can't seem to keep an iTrip in working order. So, this is a nice solution.

2. What is the best gift you gave this year?
I gave my husband a Baptist Study Bible. No cracks about all the fundy commentaries, y'all. The notes are actually decent! Now he has his own Bible to carry instead of the one that has "Regina Oliver" engraved on the front.

3. When did you do most of your shopping/creating?
I did a lot of it in October, because my parents celebrated Christmas with us before Thanksgiving! The rest of it was done in the three weeks leading up to Christmas.

4. Did you go shopping the day after Thanksgiving (U.S.)? Today?
No. I value my life!

5. What stands out already about Christmas 2005?
We didn't go to church because we were both down with the flu. I feel disappointed because the Christmas services are always my favorite. I didn't get to hear a live performance of Messiah. I didn't hear many traditional carols or classical Christmas music. It just kind of made the holiday cheap for me. Next year I'll be sure to have an immune system and I'll INSIST on hearing some high quality live Christmas performances.

A bend in the road...

2005-12-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

Graduating is one thing, putting the education into practice is another.

I had what I thought was a farely successful semester. My fifth and sixth grade choir sounds wonderful. My high school kids made a lot of progress. And my middle schoolers... well... two out of three ain't bad.

I couldn't have been more wrong. My concert was a disaster. The sound system gave us feedback throughout the concert. My kids' behavior onstage was deplorable. All the musicality we worked so hard on went completely out the window. Then to top it off, we had a very rude audience full of people screaming, pretending to moon the choir, and other such nonsense. I was devastated. Of course, I immediately start standing on that proverbial ledge, telling myself "Jump! It's obvious you're a failure anyway."

They sounded terrible and I knew it. All I could think of that night was, "Get out now!" I thought of every career path I could possible be qualified for that had nothing to do with music. The next day many people came to me and tried to encourage me by telling me it wasn't my fault. But I know better. When the choir sounds bad, the director is at fault.

I want out. I'm tired of being in a place where no one cares about what I'm doing. I'm tired of working with kids who don't want to be there. I'm not Mr. Holland or Whoopi Goldberg. I can't inspire them when I feel so uninspired myself. I go back and forth from determination and excitement to utter despair. Why does it have to be this way?

The trouble is, no one else wants me. My denomination has no use for me and the other denominations won't open the door for me because of my current affiliation. What's a girl who recently graduated from seminary to do? Am I to stick it out to the five year mark and feel completely squashed by then? Maybe I gave up on myself a long time ago. This music thing feels like a big sham now. What a stupid idea...

Sorry to be so negative. I'm the wrong girl for this job.

Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are...

2005-12-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I'm calling, Lord you catch me when I'm falling.
And You've told me who I am...

...I am yours.

Sometimes when things are important to me, I forget that they aren't quite as important to others. So, I did feel a twinge of disappointment that the only person in attendance at my graduation was my husband. But in a way, it was fitting. I started this journey alone. By the time we were married, I was basically finished, so I went through the bulk of the journey alone. And with it being our first anniversary as well, it was enough of a gift to know that this chapter is now behind us.

However, I did not go through this alone. Many people helped me along the way. My home church was a very special part of the process. Other people and churches helped in various ways. My best friend was undeniably a huge part of the reason I made it. But all these people were put in my path by God. I do not believe our paths crossed by accident.

It would be easy for me to think "I did it!" But the truth is, I did not do it. I am so weak and fragile. Without God's hand on me, I would have failed.

As we're getting close to Christmas, I can't help but think of these words:

What can I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;
Yet what I can I give Him; give my heart.

Talking to a couple of people recently has made me think more about what God wants to do with me. It used to be so clear, but then "reality" set in and made me doubt. There are plenty of people out there who are more talented than me. They sing better. They play better. They seem "more spiritual." They have more experience and are more versatile as worship leaders. But He did not ask me to come be the best. He just asked me to give MY best.

If you think about the way Jesus came, it's really pretty amazing. His birth was first announced to Shepherds, among the lowest of society. Imagine that! The birth of the King of all creation was announced to dirty, smelly shepherds. And He did that, knowing that someday I would look at that and know that He even cares about the worship of someone as small as me. In the eyes of man, I may be nothing, but in His eyes I am a treasure.

So, my little gift to Him... my life. A gift that I try to take back all too often... He loves me enough to take that gift and use it. And He loves me enough to even care about the little things every day that disappoint and burden me.

Friday, I was thinking about these things when I walked in the sanctuary with 249 other individuals who had given themselves over to Him. Suppressing my emotions became impossible. Walking across that stage to shake Paige Patterson's hand and accept my diploma was symbolic of so many things. I had been focusing so much on being thankful that the journey was over, but it has really just begun. And even if the day was important to no one but me, my husband and God, that's more than enough celebration for me.

...and the ears of the deaf unstopped

2005-11-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

I got my hearing aids Thursday afternoon. I got the call that they had arrived on Wednesday and scrambled to find a sub for the afternoon so that I could go get them.

Looking at them, I was amazed at how much capability is packed into this tiny machine, which is just a little bigger than a peanut. And once I put them in my ears, I was even more amazed. I didn't realize how much sound I had been missing!

The world is even noisier than I previously believed. New sounds are coming from every which way. Most of these sounds were only barely perceptible before the hearing aids, now I truly hear them! My own car sounds dreadfully noisy. I laughed all the way home at all the new sounds. I heard a fire truck coming before I saw it. I heard the clatter of my keys slapping against the steering wheel. I heard papers rustling. Again, I am able to hear these sounds without help, but they are quite muffled.

Then yesterday morning, I went to the faculty prayer meeting, anxious to try them out in a new kind of environment. For the first time, I heard and understood every single prayer request, even on the back row. When we broke off into small groups to pray, my intelligent hearing aids filtered out the noise of the groups talking around us and focused in on the speaker right in front of me. I nearly cried.

I never knew my choirs sounded so good. I never knew how much progress I was actually making with them. I heard dynamics in my high school choir that I didn't realize they were actually performing. I caught all of my discipline problems in middle school choir immediately and gave out many demerits to those who had been taking advantage of me. I just went through the day with a huge smile on my face. It was incredible.

These hearing aids usually cost $2475 per ear, but the cost to me was only $98.14, paid to the Texas Department of Assistive and Rehabilitative Services. God is faithful and provides for EVERY need. I just can't say enough about how thankful I am.

Great is Thy faithfulness, Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning, new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me

Discovering C.S. Lewis

2005-11-07T11:55:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make. I have never read anything by C.S. Lewis. How in the world did I get through four years of Christian college and three years of seminary without being required to read some of his works? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that I know have the attention span and the time to digest some of what he has said. So, I decided to wrestle with the copy of Mere Christianity that has been gathering dust on my bookshelf.

C.S. Lewis is like a good espresso. You have to sip it, rather than gulp it, to appreciate it. So, I'm forcing myself to move slowly through his observations.

I definitely want to read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe before the movie comes out. In fact, I want to be at a midnight showing of the film right when it comes out.

I heard an interesting interview with Douglas Gresham, his stepson. You can access it on the Haven Today website, where it is presented in two parts. The story of how he came to Christ is incredibly interesting and can teach us a lot about how we can share Christ with the intellectual atheist.

Settling for Less

2005-10-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

I tuned in to a new show on VH1 called "But Can They Sing?" The premise of the show is that celebrities who are not known for being singers compete to become pop stars. As a musician and voice teacher, I realize that many celebrities are multi-talented, so I thought this was an interesting concept for a show.

I am horrified. These celebrities are parading around singing these songs that are not even close to being on pitch. Most of them are not even remotely pleasant to listen to. And yet the fans are in the audience screaming their heads off.

Apparently, we will accept anything on television as good entertainment. We don't expect much, it seems. How does a show like this even make it to the airwaves? We simply don't have high standards anymore when it comes to our entertainment.

This is carrying over into our worship services. Too often we are satisfied with songs that are poorly written and poorly executed. We can sing for thirty minutes about how "I WILL give You all my worship" and "I praise You" without ever getting past the surface and naming God's attributes. Without ever talking about what He did. "We bring the sacrifice of praise," but truly what is our sacrifice? Is there any sacrifice at all?

John 4:23-24 says, "But the hour is coming, and now is, when true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth, for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. God is Spirit and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth." Where is the truth? We can't be satisfied with what makes us feel good. We have to answer the hard questions about God in corporate worship. We must worship Him for who He truly is. And we must do it with excellence. He gave us HIS best, therefore we must give him OUR best.

But beyond this, are we not shortchanging ourselves when we don't worship Him in the way He deserves and expects? Are we not denying ourselves the chance to come into the full presence of God? God does not withhold Himself from those who worship Him the way He requires us to. If we leave worship unchanged, who is it that didn't bring his best? Certainly not our Father in heaven, who already gave us the perfect gift of Christ.

The Root Of Bitterness

2005-10-26T06:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight at the Bible study it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've become bitter and skeptical of God. You might even say that I have been angry with Him.

Our study this week was about hardship and how God uses it to teach us patience. So many times, these kinds of studies resound with me in a "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt" kind of way. In my mind, sometimes I would even think "didn't we cover this already"?

A source of anxiety for me has been being called on in small group. I always think, can't I just sit here and listen? But no, they call on me. And I freeze because I always think "what I have to say is stupid." Or I'll think, "they don't want to hear all this." So, tonight when I was called on, I just froze and couldn't think of a single thing to say except "ummm."

Well, someone rescued me and broke in. But then I sat there chastising myself. I mean, I'm a smart, articulate woman. I had an answer to the question, but I sat there so long telling myself that I sounded stupid that the moment passed me by.

Later I did end up saying something, but I rambled and then told myself how stupid I sounded.

Then we went back into the large group and listened to the speaker on the DVD. She was talking about how we need to thank God for the gift of difficult situations. Now, I've always thought to myself that I need to thank God for all situations, but I've never thought of those situations as "gifts." Then I started thinking about whether I would consider any of the difficult situations of the last five years as "gifts."

In 2000, my wonderful, sweet, incredible grandfather died after a painful bout with lung cancer. My senior recital program was chosen specifically with him in mind, but he was too sick to make the five hour drive. He died a day and a half after my recital. I hated myself for not being there with him before he passed away. It is still on my top three list of things I regret.

In 2001, I moved away from home all by myself to go to seminary. I was horribly homesick and wanted to go home so badly. But I think stubbornness, more than the Holy Spirit, kept me from giving up. My singing suffered and I was constantly criticized, which knocked me down several pegs. I also started working for Kenneth, who turned out to be verbally and spiritually abusive.

In 2002, I did the incredibly stupid thing of becoming engaged to someone I had met only once. I called the wedding off six weeks before the date and experienced the worst heartache I've ever felt.

In 2003, I quit my job after taking all I could take of the abuse. I didn't handle it the way I should have, regretfully. By this time, my control over my singing voice was nearly gone and I felt like my seminary experience was just a huge mistake.

In 2004, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea after nearly killing myself and many others as I drove frequently from Dallas to Fort Worth and back to Dallas again.

If any of these could be classified as a defining moment, it would have to be the Kenneth experience, because it forever changed the way I thought of myself and the way I related to the church. Until that experience, church had always been a positive experience for me and I loved being involved. I volunteered to lead studies, give talks, lead worship... I always felt free to speak my opinions and give testimony to what God was doing in my life. Afterward, I did change, some of it was good but a lot of it was bad.

I'm sitting here thinking through all these things and I remembered a conversation I had with Amelia last Thursday night after the Nichole Nordeman concert. I said something to the effect of that I'm more cynical now than I used to be. And Amelia said that she had observed a lot of growth in me as a result of that situation. It surprised me, really, because I surely don't feel that way.

Flashing back to the present, I'm sitting in this Bible study, realizing that I've allowed myself to become bitter. The thought really shocked me, actually. I've verbally said "Oh, I've asked forgiveness for that" or "I've forgiven him for what happened." I've even said "that's in the past and God really used that to teach me something." But in my heart, nothing changed. It really hit me tonight that I'm still allowing the bitterness to take root.

I sit in church on Sunday and think "why am I do disengaged"? I hear people teaching and testifying and I think "why can't I be like that"? I think of the excited girl that moved to Texas and think "what happened to me"? "Why don't I care"? "Why can't I just be myself"? I sit there and worry about whether someone is going to say my thoughts and ideas are stupid or incorrect. I worry that someone is going to criticize my appearance or my singing or my teaching. I worry that people are going to discover me for the fraud that I am.

So, I started to cry harder than I've cried in years. Realizing how much bitterness and anger I still carry around has really been a breaking point for me. I talked with Shannon, the pastor's wife, about the situation and she was really encouraging. She prayed with me and gave me some counsel about how to handle resolving the situation. I think I will write to Kenneth to simply apologize for what I did wrong. What I will admit now, that I wouldn't then, is that I am responsible for how poorly I handled the situation. I can't control what he does or says, but I can control how I react. And I reacted badly.

I feel like I'm seeing with new eyes tonight, and that a weight has been lifted. I don't want to be in control, because I just destroy things when I'm in the driver's seat. I want God to be in control. That means I may have to endure more difficult tests, but He allows them to discipline me and teach me and conform me to His image. I am going to write that letter, just to get this off my chest. And if he never admits any wrongdoing, that's okay. If he even writes back something hateful or totally ignores my apology, that's okay too. I'm just tired of being so bitter and afraid and walled off. I'm tired of hiding from people when I really want to get to know them and I'm tired of hiding from God when I know His ways are sure. And I'm tired of quenching the Holy Spirit when He's there to guide me and comfort me.

For Such A Time As This

2005-10-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

This will probably be a bit rambly, as I'm just writing off the top of my head. But here it goes.

I finally decided that I was ready to make a move and put myself out there for a new place of ministry, but apparently God has other ideas.

My resume has gotten exactly zero interest, save for one person who was looking for a part time person. I just can't do a part time position at this point in my life. One of the reasons Phillip and I want to work on our financial freedom so much is that our debt is preventing us from serving God the way we would like to.

More than the lack of interest, however, is something positive that has started to happen. I'm starting to find my niche in this place.

I'm learning to accept that I'm not as extroverted as I once was. Perhaps that is maturity, and perhaps it is my guarded heart. Nonetheless, it is where I am now. But I'm slowly coming out of my shell and getting to know people. Even with my differing beliefs, I can appreciate these brothers and sisters in Christ for the wonderful people they are.

I'm learning to love my kids. Even the ones who try my patience the most. Hopefully they are learning to love me too. I am learning that I don't have to be so serious all the time. I'm learning to laugh and not get bent out of shape when I have to divert from my lesson plan. I'm learning that I can live on the salary of a high school grade even though I have a graduate degree. I'm learning that God is not limited to my narrow perception of what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm learning that God can heal anything. He can heal my disfuntions and sorrows and even my broken voice. I am seeing again that he is Jehovah Jireh and that he cares about something as small as my hearing problems and as big as my sin.

I'm learning that I can be joyful in spite of less than ideal circumstances. And I'm learning that my Christian brothers and sisters on left, on the right and stuck firmly on the fence all, at the core, care about doing God's will. They care about loving Him and serving Him and sharing Him with others. We just express it in different ways... I'm sure there are some things on both sides that we're getting all wrong, after all.

I'm learning that God works in all things for the good of those who love Him. Even someone as flawed as myself.

O, to grace, how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above

What Home Feels Like

2005-09-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

In the days after September 11, I felt very vulnerable and displaced. I had just moved to Texas and I was alone. I was sick for home and I cried myself to sleep every night, wondering if I had made the most colossal mistake ever by coming all this way at such an awful time.

I remember the days immediately following, and it seemed like the world had stopped. In some ways, I suppose we all stopped breathing for a while. I couldn't turn off the news. I was shocked and horrified, but at the same time I comprehended nothing.

I feel much the same way these days. The task of caring for the wounded and lost is extraordinary. The devastation is more than I can comprehend from watching a few moments on the news. Again, I find myself unable to change the channel. Shocked and horrified, but comprehending nothing.

I suppose when you leave your heart someplace, you never get over it. I've never been able to let go of Knoxville completely, and I suppose I never will. It's in my blood. Even though I've relocated here, I always say I'll move back home. I have plans to build a life there. And my longsuffering husband is agreeable, so it will probably happen eventually.

I've been thinking about the flood and wind ravaged areas along the Gulf Coast and how people are saying that most of these people will never go back home. It's tragic that many of them won't be able to go back at all. And many of the ones who do go back will spend many years trying to rebuild what they had before. But I can't agree with people who call them crazy for rebuilding. When you love a place so much that it becomes part of your identity, you'll make sacrifices to stay there. I believe these people ARE New Orleans, Biloxi, Mobile, etc. The cities aren't just buildings and roads and infrastructure. They is the sum of the people inside...

And this is a picture of the church as well. We are not just buildings that winds can batter and floods can drown and thieves can pillage. The church is the sum of its people, rising together to worship and serve. In this time, these Gulf Coast congregations are showing us what the church is really all about. Sharing their precious few resources, giving to others in need and supporting each other to the glory of God. Churches from outside are doing the same thing by stepping forward to meet the needs of Katrina victims. We can take a lesson from how we have all stepped up in this time of crisis. I only wish we would take it beyond the tragedy and make it a way of life.

More than enough...

2005-09-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

I'm sure all of you are feeling some of the same things about Hurricane Katrina that I am. Sadness, shock... It seems incomprehensible. And yet I still grumbled while getting out of bed this morning. "Oh, I don't want to get up" and "Man, I just want to sleep." But pretty soon, I remembered that I'm very fortunate that I have a warm place to sleep and a hot shower to get in and an assortment of things to choose from for breakfast. I have much to be thankful for...

Today, I got in my car that wasn't covered in flood waters and went to teach at my fully intact school building. I teach from a piano that is slightly out of tune because of a smidge too much moisture in the air. I was able to use my computer to get in touch with loved ones and find out information about the relief efforts. I was able to go to a chapel worship service that was a bit too loud for my taste and not very well executed, but I wasn't worried about being robbed while I was there.

I went to lunch and used electricity to heat up my leftovers from last night, which were still tasty and not spoiled. I was able to take my medicine and drink clean water to wash it down. I was able to call someone on my cell phone about getting power set up at our new apartment.

When I think about all the things I did today that the people in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama do not have the luxury of doing, it is humbling. It really makes the things I write about here seem very small. It makes the things I complain about seem childish. And it makes me want to be a better example of Christ. Whose feet can I wash today?

Why should I feel discouraged...

2005-08-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

For all my questioning about whether I should find a new place of service or not, God has certainly been affirming that I'm in the right place at the right time.

Every post has its challenges, and this one is no different. I had to contact parents about negative behavior this week, but all the encounters were positive. The principal patted me on the back for nipping it in the bud. I'm having some classroom management challenges in the elementary grades, but I'm having just as many successes.

I finally met the mother of my autistic student and we had a very good discussion about his needs in class. I think maybe my class can be a place where he really shines, because he is talented.

Sixth grade choir sounds like the auditioned group I always wanted to have. They were singing so musically that I got chills on more than one occasion.

High school and middle school choirs are both making sound progress. Both groups are going to be solid this year.

If that wasn't enough to affirm that I'm here for a reason, then Friday certainly proved it. I got some news about my hearing aids from the vocational rehab office. There's a delay in the paperwork because of a lack of information. I mentioned it as a prayer request in our faculty meeting, because it is truly frustrating to not understand conversations. And it is maddening to sit in the school chapel services when all the unamplified voices just sound like gibberish to me.

During first period, my principal came to the door and called me out in the hall. He said "I need to ask you something, and you need to tell me the truth"?

Ok, at this point my stomach is doing flip flops because I can't think of what I might have done to get myself in trouble.

"These hearing aids... are they for both ears?" Yes.

"Insurance won't help?" Insurance doesn't cover hearing aids and rarely does.

"How much are we talking about?" $3500 for both ears, which is better because the brain has to retrain itself once the sound is being amplified.

To make a long story short, he said he feels like they should be able to help me make that happen. I started to cry. I mean, Phillip and I are working hard to get out of debt, but $3500 might as well be a million dollars at this point. I have other medical bills to pay and other debts that are more pressing. I've been thinking that one of two things would happen. I would either have to just deal with it until we're completely out of debt (about two years from now) or I would have to be at the mercy of the state of Texas.

Now, it remains to be seen whether they will actually be able to help me or not. But the desire to help me out means a lot. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but pure relief has flooded me since then. I've just felt so exhausted lately trying to keep up with conversations and trying to understand what some of my students are trying to say to me. I know it won't be perfect, even with hearing aids, but it would be a huge help.

I sometimes feel very inadequate. I mean, who wants a hearing impaired music teacher? But this is what God has called me to do. And even more clearly, this is where He wants me to be for such a time as this.

When Jesus is my portion, my constant friend is He...
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Tame Your Tongue, Pat!

2005-08-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

I listen to a lot of talk radio. I find myself listening to a lot of conservative talk show hosts, even. I would even go so far as to consider myself conservative, albeit the moderate, libertarian-esque variety.

This Pat Robertson debaucle is a disgrace.

I hear many of these talk show hosts saying "but aren't his words simply what we're all saying in the back of our minds?" I'm here to say that it isn't for me, nor do I think it should be for anyone else.

To be Christ to the world means loving our enemies. That is very hard to do. I'm trying and mostly failing, I'll admit. I do not believe that Pat Robertson's words did anything to further the cause of Christ. And I do not believe that his words did anything to help Americans.

As a Christian leader, spewing such hatred across the airwaves before millions of people is extremely counterproductive. It has probably done much to incite further resentment toward Americans.

Do I think there's a place for government to act against unjust leaders? Yes. Do I think that even means warfare at the proper time? Yes. But Pat Robertson is not the government, he is a pastor (I'm using this word quite loosely here). People view him as an ambassador of Christ. This attitude of vengefulness is contrary to the example of Jesus.

His apology for his statements are just an example of poor backpedalling. He really admitted no wrongdoing, he simply clarified his statements. I'm highly skeptical of his explanation and I do not feel his apology was sincere.

That's okay though. I would never turn to The 700 Club for reliable journalism anyway.

To be like Christ

2005-08-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

Jen has posted a link to a story about a two friends in college. One was a "porn star" and the other became a Christian. It's a very powerful personal account of a friendship and what it means to be like Christ to the world. Go read it here.

He Has Lifted Up The Humble

2005-08-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

Jimmy Draper has a new post on his blog about the arrogant American Christian. You should all go read it! Click here.

The Justin Case

2005-08-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

On Monday, I had an addition to my fifth grade choir. Justin, one of those kids who can really throw a teacher's day off, came stumbling into my classroom. I had him in fourth grade music last year, but it was just once a week for a short time. And while he has a glorious voice, he has this knack for interrupting and getting everyone off task. He says whatever pops into his mind without thinking. He does this moreso than most kids, I should say.

Meanwhile, I got an email from my advisor. She complimented me again on my oral exam, saying that they all agree that it was the best one they've heard in quite a while. She also told me that my dissertation topic was excellent, if I should choose to pursue it.

Today I happened to ask the elementary principal about Justin. I had this feeling that something was just not quite right. I learned today that he is autistic. He's very high functioning, but still, he's autistic.

It's funny how God leads. My dissertation topic focuses on exceptional children. These are the children that get ignored in music classes. I've never really worked with special needs children before, but something about it really intrigues me because of my own hearing loss. I got ignored a lot in the classroom because I couldn't keep up with discussions. I don't want to be the teacher that does that to someone else.

Today, Justin was trying my patience. I was very firm with him, which I needed to be. But then his face dropped down to his shoes and his nose turned red and his eyes were watery. I wondered if I had been too harsh. We started to sing and I heard his glorious voice again. He interrupted me, "Did I do it right, Mrs. Watson?" Why yes, Justin, you did! He left class today smiling, with his head held high. And that is why I love teaching, even though sometimes I think I don't love teaching.

Hope and a future

2005-08-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

The new school year starts tomorrow. I've done all I can to prepare. The rest of it will just be learning on the job.

Last year had it's high points and low points. I pray that this year brings me a greater sense of calmness in the classroom. I pray that I will deal with discipline situations proactively and confidently.

This year I pray that I finally leave my own fingerprints on this music program. I've brought in my own philosophy and skills and talents, rather than simply trying to duplicate what the former teacher did.

A mixture of dread and excitement fills me all at once. I feel overwhelmed with all that will happen in the next few weeks. I worry that I won't be able to live up to the challenge. I worry that I will be one of those teachers that is merely tolerated, but not respected.

God has me here for a reason though. He has a plan for me and this place is most definitely a part of it. I pray that I can lean on Him rather than rely on my own strength.

Oh. And I'm really glad I wasn't booed at Open House.

Children and Sunday School

2005-08-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

Meg, of Bridget Jones Goes To Seminary, has a great post about children and Sunday School. Thoughts, anyone?

http://megsoapbox.blogspot.com/2005/07/worshipping-with-herdmans_31.html

The Muslim Next Door

2005-08-01T23:32:00.000-07:00

The town I grew up in on the outskirts of Knoxville was fairly homogenous. Everyone was white and Baptist, or so it seemed. In fact, most people were from families who had lived in the area for more than three generations. I was no exception to that rule. My own family is of European descent; proud and hearty people that have lived in Appalachia for two centuries.

I grew up with a group of kids who were mostly like me. I was in the gifted and talented program, so my high school think tank consisted of other gifted and talented white Baptists. We shouted down injustices involving race, creed and social status, but we didn't really have a clue what we were talking about. However, like most children in the chokehold of adolescence, we sure thought we did.

During my junior year, an African American family moved into our town. I supposed I was ignorant that racial tensions were still as strong as they were, but I was soon awakened to the truth. One night, a cross was burned in their front yard. It still makes me nauseous to think that some people will use a cross, the symbol of ultimate love and sacrifice, to express so much hatred for another human.

Moving out of Knoxville changed my perspective a lot. I was suddenly confronted by a myriad of cultures different than mine. Knowing about them and reading about them is one thing, but living alongside them is another entirely. My very first weekend in Texas, I went to the grocery story and no one spoke English. Everything and everyone looked different, acted different and smelled different. I didn't know someone could experience culture shock in their own country, but I did.

This week I was walking my dog by a neighbor's apartment. I have often noticed shoes sitting outside the door, but never thought much of it. That night, however, I noticed about 20 pairs of shoes. The door was standing open and my neighbor was smoking a cigarette in the yard. From the inside I could hear them speaking in Arabic and I could see them kneeling. Then, of course, it occurred to me that my neighbor is Muslim. All at once I felt a mixture of morbid curiosity, disdain and intimidation. My neighbor was cordial, but my dog was not so friendly so I said hello and kept walking.

It then occurred to me that I don't know how to love my neighbors. I can love those who are like me easily enough. They smell nice and look nice and they talk like me. But a bigger challenge is bringing down the walls of misunderstanding and loving the ones who are so different from me. When it comes down to it though, we really aren't so different when it comes to the core of who we are. We all want to know why we were put here and we all long to love and be loved. We all want to be part of something that is bigger than ourselves. We all stand in need of a Savior.

Remembering that my "different" neighbors are created in His image, just as much as I am, is humbling indeed.

Hair raising

2005-07-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

I got my hair cut recently. It's a lot shorter than I normally wear it, but it's reminiscent of The Most Successful Haircut I Ever Had. I was surprised by how much I liked it, and even more surprised by the extremely positive reactions I've received thus far.

I felt like the old hair was weighing me down, in a sense. It was overprocessed during my college and seminary years, because I tend to do something drastic with my hair after a traumatic event. For instance, I accidentally dyed it purple after breaking up with a boyfriend in college. Of course, you have to remember the time I dyed it blonde after I dumped my ex-fiance. Then of course, after quitting The Church Job That Nearly Killed Me, I went to a dark, somber brown. There are at least three more dye jobs in there somewhere, but you get the picture.

My new hair, by contrast, is short, fun and perky. It doesn't hide my face. And all the bad memories that seemed to have taken residence in my long curly locks are not present in my countenance anymore. I don't know if hair is symbolic for the rest of you, but it is for me. I have sensed my true personality coming to the forefront once again when I shed the old and embraced the new.

Of course, cutting the hair did nothing to change my circumstances. It's just hair. It doesn't cry when you cut it and it doesn't wince in pain when you throw chemicals on it. But if the outward expression reflects an inward change of heart, I feel encouraged.

Now to translate my follicular success to worship, work and witness... that will be the true battle. After all, it's just hair.

Another year...

2005-07-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

Today marks 27 years of life walking on this planet. I'm still young, but not as young as many people would like to be. I can no longer say I'm in my mid-twenties. This is officially the dreaded "late twenties." I am quickly racing toward the big three oh.

All in all, it's been a great year. What else can I say about the year when I finally got a real, full time job in my career field, married the love of my life and finished a graduate degree. I look back to a year ago and I barely recognize the person I am now. I was defeated and broken. I felt like seminary might have been one colossal mistake. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Now, a year later, I feel as though my batteries have been charged. And as I thought I spied my first gray hair in the mirror this morning, I realized that I like where I'm headed. Wisdom comes with age and do believe I have gained some insight as to what it takes to live this life with an eye on the next.

Navigating the tension between the sure and unsure is what I'm coming to recognize as my biggest battle. My Rock, my Fortress will not be shaken, but the world I reside in is constantly changing. How many times have I heard, thought and known that without really seeing it? I see it now as clear as day. I must introduce a changing culture to an unchanging God, so that they too can know that there is one thing that will never change.

In the coming year, I hope to define my unique place in ministry even more than I have already. With His divine leadership, I will continue to narrow it down and settle into what He has created me to be. May I become like a butterfly emerging from a coccoon. I am no more than a worm, but when He wraps me in His love and molds me in His image, I am beautiful in His sight.

Go ye and dunk

2005-07-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

Recently, SBC president Bobby Welch unveiled a challenge to the SBC area associations to baptize 1 million people in a year. Notice that the emphasis is on baptism, rather than professions of faith, change of the heart, etc. I only have one thing to say to this.

Are you kidding me?

If there's one thing the Baptists are good at, it's overemphasizing the numbers game. Gather any three pastors together and the first questions are going to be along the lines of "How many do you have in Sunday school?" or "What's your membership?"

In a convention where members are not removed from the role until they request it or die (and sometimes not even when they die), I think our least goal should be adding 1 million more people to the roster who will likely be marginal members at best.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm all for sharing Christ and I'm all for seeing people's lives changed by receiving the love of Christ. I just think the emphasis on "witnessing to, winning and baptizing" trivializes the transformation and causes our faith to look trite to people on the outside.

My favorite part of the article states: "Welch emphasized that the rallies should be held outdoors -- unless inclement weather prohibits -- so that church members practice getting outside the walls of the church and into the community where people who need Christ roam." It's very telling that he uses the word "roam" here, as if he is speaking of a herd of buffalo.

Throughout the article, baptism is emphasized repeatedly. It doesn't say anything at all about sharing Christ or meeting the needs of the community. We can dunk people all day, but if they don't know Christ and they don't see His love shared through us, you can forget about making any kind of difference in our communities.

You can read the full article here.

But wait, there's more!

2005-07-22T22:45:00.000-07:00

We are completely bombarded by advertising. Whether you like it or not, hundreds of promotions are presented to us each day. You'll find them on the radio, tv, in magazines, in newspapers and even on the side of the road. And the internet is possibly the worst offender. With unmanageable amounts of spam, pop up windows and ads imbedded into the sites we visit, it's nearly impossible to get away from commercialism.

I seem to have no problem finding ads for products that are really meaningless to me, yet I can't seem to get into God's word. If I am faithful, I should long for His presence and His instruction. Instead, I am reluctant to hear what He has to say. My own willfullness holds me back from receiving truth.

Why would I be reluctant to receive His truth? Am I afraid to be blessed? More likely, it is that I want control. I want to further my own agenda. Even more appalling is that I would slap Christ's name on my own plans and pretend they are His. How can I know what He wants for me if I never ask and never listen to His quiet voice?

On every page of His word is His truth. In everything He has created we can see His glory. I can stand in awe of His greatness. I can worship Him in the beauty of His holiness. But I can only do these things if I am willing to turn down the drug of self importance the world is pushing. If I buy into what the world is selling, I will only come up empty. The temporal is flashy and attractive, but deceitful.

I've noticed that the most honest salespeople don't make their pitch by screaming and jumping around. They will present their product and let the workmanship speak for itself. I think God is that way too. Everything He says in His word and everything He has created for us says "the earth is mine and everything in it" and "I love you, my child." But it doesn't end there, He speaks with a still, small voice and tells us "but wait, there's more!" And that will be more than we could ever fathom in our finite minds...

I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
I'd rather be His than have riches untold:
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands.
I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hand.

Than to be the king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin's dread sway.
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.

Faith like a child

2005-07-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wish I weren't so educated. Maybe then my faith would be simpler. Instead I wrestle with questions involving tedious concepts like dispensationalism and post-modernism and the meaning of inerrancy. Is it a mark of my generation that I don't know exactly what I believe about some of these things? I can see the merits of both sides and middle of each argument. So, I sit here on the fence of uncertainty.

What does it mean to have a child-like faith? I think back to when I first believed as a small child. I didn't quite understand what it all meant, but I knew that Jesus loved me and that He gave His life for me. I responded by running into my daddy's arms and saying I would give my life back to Him. As a child, it was simple. The answer was clear like a cloudless day. As I progressed in age, I grew in knowledge. But that knowledge gave way to even more questions. The sky became cloudy and gray.

These questions, no doubt, are important to answer. I want to know and do His will. I believe in my mind that the answers will help me to find out what that means. But are the answers as black and white as some would have me believe? They weigh me down like cinderblocks, and the evil one works to cast me into the dark waters. But Christ said "I have come that they may have life." How can I believe anything less than Jesus is the answer to all my questions?

I call upon His name to help me understand. And I know that He will reveal these things to me at the right time. That time may not be in this life. But I know for certain that He has called me first to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. And I know He has called me to love His people, ugly warts and all.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:8-12

Self absorbed

2005-07-18T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am addicted to self. I could spend all day analyzing my thoughts, feelings, motives and actions. I find myself drawn to pop psychology and buying into the lingo that has diagnosed everyone in the world as disfunctional.

Even more than that, I'm addicted to making myself feel good. I do what I want to do when I want to do it because it makes me feel like I'm in control. I don't discipline myself in certain areas because then I would be admitting that I'm wrong. I criticize others in my head, and occasionally out loud, in a way that devalues them as a person.

But at the root of it all is one simple fact: I hate myself. I hate that I want to be good and can't seem to ever be good. I hate that I don't look like the beautiful people. I hate that I never seem to think of the right things to say. I hate that I can't seem to reach out past my own fear. I hate that I perceive myself as being inferior to everyone around me. I hate that I'm so self conscious and worried about what everyone thinks that I won't just be myself. I hate that I can't get past hating myself.

I finished reading Blue Like Jazz this evening and so much of what Donald Miller wrote resounds with me. At the end of the book though, he talks about love and how you have to be able to receive love in order to give love. I've definitely been behind a wall when it comes to God's love. I don't deserve His love. And though intellectually I know how much He loves me, my heart can't seem to wrap itself around that fact.

So, I know I need to love others more. I want to be salt and light. I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I want to narrow down my mission and stay the course. I think, no, I know that God can use me more when I love others rather than simply repeating the rhetoric I've heard over and over again. I suppose it is a dual process, giving love allows one to receive love and vice versa. What would it look like if I stopped playing my silly games and really became Jesus to the people I encounter?

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 Corinthians 13:1

Glamour

2005-07-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

I'm like most women. I love glamour. I love makeup and clothes and sparkly things. However, I am anything but glamorous according to the world's standards. I'm too short, too fat and I wear all the wrong clothes. But I still feel like a glamour queen in my rhinestone studded, cat eye sunglasses. I wore them to my mother in law's pool earlier this week.

I was lying on the float in a vain attempt to get some sun on my pasty white skin. I'm so pale, in fact, that I enjoy directing ships with the reflective light from my skin. But when no one but my husband and God are around, I can forget for a few moments that I'm not Audrey Hepburn.

My husband decided he had had enough of the water's pruning effects, and he went inside. I elected to stay out and enjoy the afternoon a while longer. The sky was blue like a robin's egg and I enjoyed it immensely. I had a talk radio show in the background, but it was more distractive noise than anything else. I did notice though, that my face and eyes were starting to feel hot. As the minutes passed, it became unbearable. I was disappointed that I might have to get out of the pool.

Just like that, some puffy clouds came to give me some shade. The conditions were just right for a show. The last time I remember watching the clouds was sometime when I was eleven or twelve years old. It's so much better now that I'm a Christian. I fancied that He had put the show on just for me. I wondered if anyone else in the vicinity was enjoying it as much as I was, but I doubted it. In the fast paced Dallas metroplex, most people don't have time for cloud shows.

I watched a fish float overhead, a tank storm through and a puppy wiggle around. I couldn't suppress a smile for that moment when God romanced me with a moment of tranquility and a cloud show. I felt very glamorous and very loved. I even took off my cat eye sunglasses so I could see it better.

Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear:
Forget your people and your father's house.
The king is enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord...
All glorious is the princess within her chamber;
her gown is interwoven with gold.
In embroidered garments she is led to the king.
(Psalm 45:10-11, 13-14a)

Narrow it down

2005-07-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

Amelia came over tonight and we started talking about my frustrations and how I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. I told her that I thought maybe I was on the wrong track and I had been mistaken about what God wants me to do.

She agreed that maybe I'm focusing on the wrong things and that I need to get my focus back on giving all my worship to God and not worrying so much about what people think of me. But she said two things that were huge revelations to me...

1. The target I'm aiming for is too huge. I need to narrow it down.
2. I overanalyze everything.

She asked me what my passion is, and I said that I want to teach people to worship. But how can I do that when I'm confused about what that really means! She asked me to describe the corporate services where I felt like I was really worshipping. I thought of four places that really impacted me.

1. Passion 1999
2. First Presbyterian in Jackson
3. First Baptist, Dallas
4. Salem Baptist in Knoxville (more often than not)

What was the common thread? The difference in styles are night and day! I think three things are key:

1. The Word was central
2. The music built up to and supported the Word
3. The people were engaged and enthusiastic

So, Amelia said that I should think about how I can take what I know about true worship and translate that into what I feel passionate about doing and what I'm gifted to do... and most importantly, what God wants me to do.

Something to chew on...

Miss Understood

2005-07-15T16:07:00.001-07:00

I don't want to admit to feeling disillusioned, but it's time. When I'm looking for a place to serve I read between the lines and hear "you're too conservative" or "you're too liberal" or "you're too young" or "you're too female" or "you don't have the right kind of experience." Even worse are the people you trust who don't come through for you, or say terrible things to you and behind your back. Once enough people kick you, you just stay down and take it. My foundation wasn't strong enough to take it, so I just gave up.

I think admitting where I went wrong is going to be a positive step for me. Instead of building my house on the sand, I need to build on the rock. Simplistic enough in theory, but in practice it's blowing the shingles off my roof!

What made me realize how far I've strayed? Comprehensive exams. Even I'm shocked by that. The most formulaic and academic of things one does at seminary caused me to take a hard look at what I've been doing to further the kingdom and find myself failing dismally. Memorizing lists and scripture passages and concepts all reminded me of why I love ministering to people through music.

I'm not sure where I belong. Right now I'm "in hiding" at a wonderful church, but it's not what I believe I should be doing. But serving in innocuous capacities like "substitute pianist" and "music teacher" makes it look like I'm going the right way. Being honest, I have to admit that I chickened out. I decided to merely survive rather than allow God to use me to make any real difference.

A fourteen year old girl gets the call to serve in worship ministry. She doesn't look right, doesn't come from the right background, doesn't have the right friends and doesn't have the support of her family, but she's stubborn. She does all the "right things" to get there and realizes she got away from dependence on Christ.

I'm very disappointed in myself. But I'm so glad my God is a God of second, third and fourth chances. So, I confess here and now that I am so self focused, self conscious and self centered that I have not allowed God to have the glory in the things that I do. I have tried to do it on my own and it blew up in my proverbial face.

God, I want to do this Your way, no matter the cost. Help me to refocus and immerse myself in Your presence and Your word.

It makes me wanna shout

2005-07-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

When I Think About The Lord
by James Huey

When I think about the Lord
How He saved me, How He raised me
How He filled me with the Holy Ghost
How He healed me to the uttermost

When I think about the Lord
How He picked me up and turned me around
How He placed my feet on solid ground

It makes me wanna shout "Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!
Lord, You're worthy of all the glory, all the honor, all the praise!"
It makes me wanna shout "Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!
Lord, You're worthy of all the glory, all the honor, all the praise!"

Undignified

2005-07-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those "dance like crazy down the aisle" experiences. I made it past a huge hurdle and found my way to the other side laughing all the way.

My exams this week were the culmination of four years of clumsy walking complete with darkness trying to trip me by sticking his foot out in my path. I made it through, but with scars. Those scars will serve me well, I hope. The thing about walking in darkness is that you appreciate the light so much more.

Another thing I've longed for is affirmation. I got heaps of it today in about five minutes or less. What my professors said to me meant the world to me. I had believed myself to be a failure because of how poorly my coursework went. What I know now about my health would have been quite helpful when I started this journey! It's amazing what getting a little oxygen to the brain will do for your academic pursuits.

I'm struggling tonight with a question of worship. How do you strike the balance between uninhibited praise and awe and wonder? Is it possible to be undignified and reverent at the same time? For me, order is worshipful. Perhaps that is because my own approach to life is so chaotic. With a minimal attention span like mine, peace is found in structure. I love the old hymns and liturgy and rich language. But I also love spontaneity and raw devotion. In my head I plan a month's worth of worship services where everything from the richness of Bach to the intimacy of Matt Redman is expressed by the same congregation. Where guitars and harpsichords are crowded into the same pit... Where classically trained sopranos, gospel choirs and praise bands work together for one common purpose...

"Worship is communion with God whereby believers by grace center their minds' attention and their hearts' affection on the Lord, humbly glorifying Him in response to His greatness and His word." - Bruce Leafblad

I don't see anything mentioned there about musical snobbery. And I direct that comment to all worship leaders and musicians. On both sides and everywhere in between there is elitism. I get tired of the happy clappy, but I also tire of thees and thous... I also tire of having my emotions manipulated... Striking the balance is a great responsibility. I would like to be involved in that process, imperfect though I am. I just want something genuine.

Tonight though, let me revel in His glory. He carried me through and delivered me and I can't express enough gratitude for what He has done.

2005-07-06T23:11:00.000-07:00

BGCT President Derides Doctrine of SBC Seminaries

I wonder... am I the only one who's tired of the power trip going on amongst The Powers That Be? *sigh*