The Long Detour

I've been absent from blogging, mainly due to a lack of anything interesting to say. I go to work, try and fail to keep up with household chores, bemoan the state of today's educational system, toss and turn on my sad sack of a mattress, and then get up to do it all again. In between, I search. I search for identity. The woman I would like to be versus the woman who is.

So, I'm entering a new chapter, but this book is not closed. You are more than welcome to come read my new blog.

http://canticles.wordpress.com

Shoe Shine Girl

I don't think I've ever considered myself to be much of a prideful person. I've come to see that I'm wrong. I do have issues with pride, but they tend to manifest themselves in more subtle ways. In fact, I think I may have even been prideful about NOT being prideful.

Case in point: shoes. In admiring the latest foot fashions, I find myself pining for patent leather and swooning over stilettos. However, the spirit is willing, but the feet are weak. Between plantar fasciitis and an extra wide barge of a foot, I can do little more than stuff my foot into the shoe. Moving around in them is a different story.

Recently I purchased a cute pair of black patent leather kitten heels. If you must know, they were Isaac Mizrahi for Target. When I put them on, I justified the purchase because only my big toe hurt. In fact, the shoe was attempting to bind my feet much like those poor Chinese women from the Victorian era. Still, I have worn them several times, just knowing that I looked fashionable and cute because of them.

Right. It isn't very cute when you're grimacing because of extreme foot pain. By the time I left church yesterday, I was ready for a morphine drip! I've decided that when the Bible says "Pride comes before a fall," it's talking about some seriously torturous shoes.

Another case in point: skipping Sunday school. We overslept yesterday and I knew we weren't going to make it to Sunday school. Still, did I despair over missing the insightful discussion? No. I wondered what people would think of me as I limped through the door in my "oh-so-cute" black patent leather Isaac Mizrahi for Target kitten heels. In fact, it was the first thing I said to a friend of mine as I walked into the music suite. The minister of music heard me and just said "so???"

At that moment, the full weight of conviction came raining down upon my shoulders. I realized that being self-absorbed and prideful had caused me to miss the point. By being so concerned with the opinion of others, I had forgotten to consider that I had come to this place to worship. I began chastising myself with some rather negative internal dialogue. "Why am I always focused on the wrong things? How could anyone take me seriously?!?!"

But then our choir sang these words... "and when before the throne, I stand in Him complete." I got a little choked up, remembering that Rome wasn't built in a day, but brick by brick. How wonderful it will be when we ARE complete in Him, on the other side of this life, resting in His presence instead of worrying about impressing others. I'm sure none of us will care what people think of our shoes or our Sunday School attendance when we're singing "Holy, Holy, Holy" at the foot of the throne!

Life in General

Right now we're fighting an ongoing battle with our apartment complex maintenance department. In the last month, they've managed to flood our apartment... twice. They've been in here three times fixing the same sink problem. They cut out a piece of carpet padding and never came back to replace it. The wall is water damaged in several spots and they never came to clean the carpet they soaked. We actually walked on wet floor for about three days.

In the grand scheme of things, I know this is really minor, but it's annoying to me. On top of that, I'm convinced that the cold I had two weeks ago was a result of mold and mildew from the first round of flooding.

Other than that, everything is great. The husband is working days and I think he actually likes his job now. My internship is going well, if not a bit monotonous. It has been nice to work at a more relaxed pace. I know VBS and choir camps are busy times, but it's nothing like the day to day insanity that is a public school.

We adopted another dog, this one from the pound. He is a Shih Tzu named Elvis. I was concerned about some of his behavior at first, but he has calmed down and shown himself to be a charming, well-behaved little dog. His only fault is that he won't leave our other dog, Smokey the Yorkie, alone. He's always wanting to play, much to Smokey's chagrin, especially when that play involves being nibbled on by Elvis!

I'm currently watching the Live Earth concert while trying to decide which part of this house to tackle next. I'm thinking the bedroom needs some sprucing up! Have a great Saturday, everyone!

For Lack of Words

I've met so many people lately whose everyday vocabulary far exceeds my own. I guess I'm just not in the habit of using more impressive words. I don't think it's because I lack the smarts to do so. But wait, I don't hang out with the intelligentsia every day, do I?

I remember something from back in 6th grade. I was sitting in social studies class. We were talking about something related to people in poverty, I believe. I said something to the effect "Why can't we just split up what the rich people make and give it to the poor people"? So, my teacher called me a Communist. I had not a clue what that meant, but in 1989, I knew it was a bad word.

I also used to write a lot. I'm sure it was all pretty bad (just ask anyone about the "novel" I wrote in 8th grade), but it was my attempt to be creative. One day, my mom was cleaning up around the house and she found one of my writing books. I walked in while she was reading it and laughing at it. Talk about stinging criticism! Without saying a word, I knew what she thought.

In high school, I mostly just kept my mouth shut. Most of the time I would think, "I don't know enough about this topic to state an opinion." What that really meant was "I don't know if I'm completely right, so I'll just keep my mouth shut and stay safe." There were some guys in my classes who dominated the conversation. They were great friends, but I never felt confident about joining in.

I find myself playing that role a lot even today, and that bothers me. Also, I'm frustrated because I can't ever think of what I really want to say when I'm standing right in front of someone. Does this ever happen to you? I'm standing before someone, about to say something. Then I start questioning it, thinking of all the problems with the observation I'm about to make. So, I come up with something better. Oh, wait! That sounds even worse. Ad nauseum...

At this point, I usually say something totally generic and walk away.

You know what's comforting though? When I pray, God knows what I'm really trying to say. So, even if I'm stumbling over my thoughts, tripping over my words and making mincemeat of the English language, the Lord makes beautiful poetry out of it. Thanks be to God!

Summer Getaway

It's a RevGalBlogPals Friday Five!!!

Suppose you were told to pack some essentials for a trip to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Describe your location, in general or specific terms and....

1) What book(s) will you bring?
2) What music accompanies you?
3) What essentials of everyday living must you take (as in the health and beauty aids aisle variety)?
4) What technological gadgets if any, will you take with you or do you leave it all behind?
5) What culinary delights will you partake in while there?As a bonus question, what makes for a perfect day on vacation for you?

Location? I would really love to spend a nice long break in Charleston, SC... And I'd want to go antiquing. My perfect day would include several hours at the beach, shopping for antiques and shoes or handbags.

1)Books: I really need to finish reading The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama, and I've also been wanting to read The Road by Cormac McCarthy and any of the Anne Lamott books since I haven't read anything by her yet.
2)Music: For a vacation, I'd probably have U2, Amos Lee, Vienna Teng, Diana Krall, Jane Monheit, Jack Johnson, Chris Rice, Nichole Nordeman and Kelly Clarkson on rotation
3)Health and Beauty: sephora black eyeliner, Bare Escentuals makeup, Sebastien Potion #5, Noodle Head from Sally Beauty (for the curls), water babies sunscreen, and OPI nail color in "I'm not really a waitress"
4)Technology: I love my gadgets, so I'll have the laptop, digital jukebox, cell phone and my portable speakers. Since hubby is probably going also, I'll probably have access to the Nintendo DS and XM Radio. Fine by me.
5)Culinary Delights: If I'm going to Charleston, then there will be lots of seafood. I think I would need to have cheesy grits and shrimp... Whether I'm home or on vacation, I'm addicted to the Dreyer's Fruit Bars (especially the lime flavored ones)... And if I'm vacationing, margaritas, appletinis and various other fruity cocktails are a must. Actually, have any of you ever had a Presbyterian? It isn't fruity, but it's right tasty...

From Flashbacks to Fast Forward

I've been at work in my internship for about two weeks now. It has been fast and furious. When 4 p.m. rolls around, I can scarcely believe that I've been at it for a full day. It has, thus far, been the breath of fresh air I prayed for.

Starting fresh is a gift. It's almost as if I never walked away from vocational ministry. It has been affirming, stirring up creative juices I thought were completely dried up. I truly have been given a gift that I will not take for granted. It has almost been too easy to walk into all of this!

Sometimes though, when I'm doing a task that reminds me of something I've done in the past, it takes my breath away. I was looking through the music library, noticing all the mismatched labels on the boxes. I remembered my first day on the job at my old church, being yelled at for not sticking the label on correctly. Something so trivial, yet it is still burned in my memory! Working on VBS this week, I remembered being ordered to do an ungodly amount of work with almost zero help. I don't remember being complimented on all that work, but I certainly remember being critiqued. I'm sure many nice things were said, but it's always the bad that sticks out in the mind. While working on some of the logistics for our upcoming musical, I remembered a music camp I led and how pleased I was about the kids learning the musical in a week. The majority of my kids weren't involved in choir at all, so I felt that the performance was a major achievement! Interrupting my private celebration were the words of criticism, both professionally and personally insulting. How I wish I would have grown a backbone before I allowed all that to happen!

The thing is, I'm still talking about all this four years later. Those negative voices get quieter, but they're still there. And really, none of this sounds very spiritual. I'm sure you all are sick of hearing about it!

Okay, now for some forward thinking. Enough of the past. What does that corny email say? Today is a gift, that's why it's called "the present." Whatever. Anyway...

I did, for a while, consider doing a doctoral program of some kind where my dissertation focused on music ministry and the inclusion of people with special needs. I shelved that idea for a while, but I heard about a handbell group recently that reignited my interest in it. Now I'm investigating the possibility of doing some kind of music therapy equivalency program. The little detour I took this year has definitely become a main thoroughfare for my vocational goals. I would LOVE to discover a way to merge two passions into one calling.

In other news, I'm trying to educate myself on social justice issues. I'm still kind of de-fundyizing myself. I suppose I'm off to a good start though, signing up to help when we bring Jim Wallis to town! Does anyone want to come hear him speak?

Beginning Anew

Easter is a time of new beginnings. There is no doubt about that. Just look across creation and you can see the birthing process awakened in the womb of mother nature. My favorite illustration of this is the dogwood tree. Like all deciduous trees, she is dressed to the nines in her bright fall finery. Her leaves become brittle, fall off and decay. Throughout the winter she lays bare, her branches stark and cold. But in the spring, you begin to see the budding promise of new life. Her flowers blossom and she shines like a bride adorned for her wedding.

In this Easter season, I have experienced firsthand that God indeed makes all things new. We become stronger in the broken places. And when we rest in Him, we can bloom where we are planted. When you finally find yourself belonging somewhere and you begin to feel comfortable in your own skin, the roots run deep and new life can flourish.

So, this summer I will be an intern again. Good. I'm glad for a chance to relearn what I've forgotten and a chance to unlearn that which has harmed me. I'm looking forward to redefining what it means for me: being minister and musician, leader and follower. I'm eagerly anticipating the journey, which will undoubtedly bring promise, peace and pain.

Though My Steps May Falter

My internal dialogue has been pretty loud and argumentative as of late. I like teaching special ed, but it isn't my undying passion in life. Part of me thinks I should stick with it because "it will get better." And yes, I know that experienced teachers have less problems than a new teacher. I'm not talking about the common trials of a first year teacher though. It's more than that. It's the realization that I've been running away from the calling that was placed on me.

Oh sure, once upon a time I pursued it with gusto. I was the first one to show up and the last to leave. But one too many harsh words had me crawling back into my shell, never to poke my head out into the wild again. Who wants to volunteer for the next tongue lashing? Certainly not I.

I'm praying about some next steps. I feel very convicted by the sermon at church today. I feel convicted enough that I sat there and sobbed all through church and was certain that I might throw up or pass out. Then I hid in a bathroom stall for twenty minutes trying to cry it out. I did have a nice long chat with a couple of people I respect and trust. I'm setting up an appointment to talk with someone else soon. I'm not sure what I want to say or what I should say, except maybe "Here am I, send me."

Please pray.